Round 3...fight!

I don't know what's worse, things going well and waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when it actually drops.  I'm torn, in turmoil, physically and emotionally sick.  I'm not healthy, and I don't like it. 

I set a new boundary with the beast.  He cannot come home in the middle of the night if he's wasted.  I'm tired of the disruption of my sleep, the kids sleep, the verbal abuse and the all around inappropriate behavior of his drunken tirads in the middle of the night.  So, he went out for "a" beer last night, and didn't come home.  I woke up at 4:00am, and still had a hard time getting to sleep.  So, sleep disruption for me will happen whether he comes home or doesn't, I guess.  It was hard to not worry, or wonder where he's at.  But, at least he wasn't there waking up the kids or telling me how stupid I am and how I could do so much better at being a mother and wife.

Anyway, he came home at 7:30am.  I had to be at work at 8 (15 minute drive).  He seemed to have slept it off, so I left.  The kids still needed to catch the bus and my little guy needed to get to day care.  I left that to him.  Well, I started to get a bad feeling on my way to work, so I tried calling.  Over and over I called with no answer.  My 9 year old daughter finally answered at about 8:00, when I actually arrived at work.  I asked if Daddy was getting everyone ready for the bus.  Nope!  He was sleeping like a rock.  My daughter tried to wake him, but he wouldn't wake.  They had even put ice packs on him, and all he did is swing out at them.  So, I walked her through what to do to get the boys ready for the day.  At 9, she changed her 2 year old brother's diaper, got clothes out of their drawers and closets for them, made sure my 4 year old had his stuff for school and got coat, hat, mittens and shoes on/ready.  She said she wasn't feeling well, and I told her I'd call her into school.  The last thing I wanted was for her to get on the bus and leave the 2 year old to roam free.  It makes me sick thinking about it.

I attempted to call his parents (who are retired) to come and see if they could wake the Beast or at least get my daughter to school and my little guy to daycare.  No answer.  I walked into my work meeting about 5 minutes late, leaving my 9 year old the assurance that I would call in an hour and that she just needed to get my 4 year old on the bus and watch the 2 year old.  Then I would call back.

I did just that.  The Beast still couldn't be raised.  So, I made arrangements at work to leave and get the kids taken care of.  I got home the same time my MIL and FIL showed up.  They got my messages and came right over.  Well, since I had it under control, I took over to get the kids out the door.  As my lovely MIL was standing in the kitchen, she said, "I'd be depressed too if my house was this messy."  Why does she feel the need to do that?  My house isn't that terrible anyway.  Who is she to judge what it's like to work full time, raise three children and be mom and dad at the same time?  Just because her husband was a drinker when she had kids at home, our situation is NOT the same.  I'd say it got worse in a generation.  Her husband worked two jobs, while continuing to drink.  She only worked 2 days a week, as a teacher.  She had alot more time on her hands to be a homemaker.  I understand that it still hurt to have him gone all the time, but don't try to make it my fault that he's out wandering around getting drunk all the time.  Just like you couldn't do anything about your husband drinking (I bet you always had a clean house and food on the table at just the right time), I too can't do anything about my husband drinking.  Why make it worse by saying hurtful things?

But I digress.  I really did get upset, then cooled off with my tools I've learned from Al-Anon.  I cannot change how she reacts and what she thinks of me.  I can only change my behavior and how I react to what she says.  And I chose not to react.  I ignored her comment and went on with getting the kids out the door.  Then, she made other comments that I'm trying to forget.  "It would only take me an hour to get this area picked up and looking better." "I had a rule at my house.  No one got to do anything until the house was clean on Saturday."  "How long has this basket of clothes been sitting here?"  Really?  My husband, YOUR SON, didn't come home last night, is in a drunken stupor upstairs, continues to drink and act inappropriately, and you're worried about my housekeeping skills?!?!  It was all I could do to breathe...

And the story gets better.  I took a break from writing this and in the mean time, took another phone call from my MIL.  Why did I answer?  I'm not sure but I felt compelled to.  Besides, I really had cooled off.  Well, I called our pastor because I feel that the Beast needs a little push in the God department.  The church we attend is strongly against divorce, but I let Pastor know I was at the end of my rope.  I can't keep up this chaos with no end in sight.  He agreed to talk to the Beast.  My MIL knew this before calling me later.  She said that she's concerned with the Beast talking to the Pastor.  The last time we had a meeting with the pastor about our marital problems, the pastor mostly sided with me.  He really focused on Matt being a better husband and father.  I felt rightfully so.  We talked about things that I could improve as well, but, I'm sorry, the beast has some major issues!!  Anyway, he left that conversation and felt that the pastor was against him and was wrong in what he was saying.  I couldn't win.  So, I've been hesitant to talk to him again about the escalating alcohol problem in my house.  My MIL is concerned that the beast should have someone "that's on his side" when talking to the pastor.  She doesn't want it to be all about how he is a bad father and husband.  There are things that we both need to do better, so it shouldn't just be about the beast getting better.  Really?  She calls to tell me she wants to be with her dearly beloved son while the pastor speaks to him about his problem with alcohol and how he is no filling his duties as a husband and father just so pastor can't make him feel too badly about it?  So she can stick up for him or something?  I told her to be my guest!  If the beast would allow it, I'd love for her to be there!  I'm trying not to think about how justified I would be after that meeting to walk away from the marriage.  I imagine Pastor would leave and wonder how I've been able to stand this chaos and bad mouthing for so long?  My in-laws claim to be these top-notch Christians, but they are so rude and self centered!  I know, we all have sins and none of us are perfect, but I don't go around pointing out those faults to people all the time. 

I'm just at an emotional draining point.  I don't know where this is going to go or what I'm going to do.  I'm feeling all these emotions at once!  ANGER at my MIL for thinking she needs someone to blame for her son's behavior besides her son, SAD that I'm here again, just when I thought things were getting better, ASHAMED that I can't get my life straightened out, DEFEATED because I don't see and end, UNHAPPY because the beast is angry about my reaction today, actually angry at me and blaming me for him drinking last night "because I was already in bed", ANXIOUS of the outcome, TERRIFIED for my children and what this chaos is doing to them.

I give up for now.  I'm going to go to my meeting and see what comes.  I usually feel better and get good information there.  I think I need to get back to yoga practice as well, for some PEACE!