The Tsunami

A very wise woman in my group said last night, "Alcoholism is like a tsunami.  It leaves debris everywhere, even in places we don't know about.  Then, when we least expect it, we find that debris we didn't know was there and have to figure out how to deal with it."  WOW!  Well said my dear friend.  I hope you like that tidbit as well. 

My tsunami came in last night...again. At least I don't have to wait anymore for the shoe to drop...it went ahead and dropped.  The Beast went out and got nice and smashed last night.  He hasn't attended meetings like I've asked.  He was a total ass again. 

I will say that some things improved-with me.  I wasn't having any of his personal shots at me in the middle of the night.  I told him he was rude, disrespectful and didn't deserve an answer to any questions he was asking.  I've never had him agree.  Usually he continues, but he actually agreed last night!  I was a little confused but felt a small personal victory.  Here's how it went:

I was sleeping peacefully when my bedroom lights shot on about 1am.  I complained to have the lights back off.  He didn't comply.  The Beast then sat down on the bed next to me and asked, "Is it okay if I call you a retard?"  I ignored him.  He persisted and demanded an answer.  I sat up, told him he was rude and disrespectful by coming home, turning on the lights and speaking disrespectfully to me.  He agreed.  After about 5 minutes, he must have forgotten because he started in again.  Honestly, I remember the feelings I had as he talked, but I kept telling myself that it was the alcohol talking and I didn't have to believe anything he said.  I know he was speaking poorly about me or about something that I do, but I chose to block it out.  He tried to engage me in his chaos and I choose not to participate, which made him angrier.  I repeated my mantra to him again.  He's rude, disrespectful and unnecessarily disrupting my night of sleep.  He agreed, and went to bed.  The incident was much shorter than usual so I was able to get back to sleep fairly normally and it didn't drag into hours of complete disregard for me, my space and my feelings.

That being said, I'm still PISSED!  How dare he bring that chaos back after he promised not to!  How dare he not get HELP when he admits he has a problem!  How dare he speak so callously to me!!  I was feeling pretty good last night after my meeting.  It went well, good conversation, good talk about detachment and forgiveness.  And then the anger boils.  Can I forgive and keep forgiving?  Can I detach WITH LOVE?  I'd rather just kick him out on his ass and make him try to figure out how to function without me. 

I think I have to make it more uncomfortable for him.  I've been carrying a large weight of responsibility when it comes to the household.  Not anymore.  He's got it too good now.  Will my unwillingness to carry the burden lead him to drink more?  Maybe.  But he drinks heavily when I do have most of the responsibilities.  He makes his own choices, right?  Or, should I be more compassionate to the man and more angry at the disease?  It's hard for me to tell where one stops and the other starts lately.  Bummer.

Just writting has lifted some of the tightness in my chest and stomach I was feeling this morning.  Thanks for listening!