Whatever...

I finally agreed to myself I needed to get back to Al-Anon.  So, I announced to my husband that I was attending a meeting.  It didn't go over well, as if I expected any different.  Of course he wanted to know why I wanted to go.  When I told him it was for me, he stated he should think so since it's not about him that I would attend.  Well, it didn't matter anyway because he didn't think I should go so I decided not to go.  I gave in tonight because I didn't plan.  I will plan to get a sitter every Tuesday evening so I can attend my meeting and give no excuses for him to not let me go.

He, of course, went out for "one" drink 3 hours ago. I'm thinking it's going to be a few more than that.  But, he doesn't have a problem with alcohol.  He just likes to drink. Whatever.

To Friends

I had a wonderful time with an old friend on Saturday.  It's amazing to me that I've had this friendship for 23 years and even if we don't talk for months, we seem to pick up right where we left off.  I believe it's like having a soul mate. 

I was on cloud nine Saturday.  I had an excellent time with my kiddos, and amazing conversation with my friend.  But, when we went out, we had drinks.  As a person married to an alcoholic, I struggle with if it's acceptable to have a drink every so often.  I don't want him to, so why should I?  But I don't have a problem not drinking, nor do I over do it.  What's right in this situation?  I never know.  But, Saturday got away from me.  Talking and talking and drink after drink--I was over served.  Because I was far from home, I choose not to drive.  Smart, right?  Well, that meant staying at my dear friends house.  My husband was over the roof with anger.  At me?  For one night?  What?  He said he was divorcing me--so be it I say.  I came home the next morning in time for early church.  He had the kids ready to go (huge miracle!!)  He had locked the garage door so I couldn't get in, and we don't have keys for our front door. 

The conversation after church was intense.  I am not allowed to see my friend unless she comes to our house. Like house arrest? I'm not allowed to drink with my friend (I'm okay with that as I rarely drink-hence after a couple drinks knew I was past my limit.  But, what's with the dictatorship I suddenly live in?) I can never complain about him coming home at 5 or 6 am because I didn't get home until 8.  (Never mind that I called to tell him where I was and what I was going to do.  And never mind that I actually slept before coming home instead of binging literally all night)

Now, my dilemma is what do I do?  I'm not going to stop spending time with my friend because my husband says so.  He over reacted, said a lot of hurtful things and made me feel like I was a child disobeying their parent.  I want so bad to do the same to him when he goes out.  He leaves every night to either go to the bar or go to a buddy's house and drink.  He leaves after supper and gets home after everyone has been long in bed.  Shouldn't I get to be angry as well?  I have a right to be angry!  I have a right to have rage!  He thinks it's fine because he isn't "drunk" every day.  What?  Sometimes I just want to shake him as if it would wake him up from this crazy life he's living.

So, I won't stop spending time with my friend.  I deserve to have a friend who supports and loves me no matter what decisions I make in my life.  She may not approve, but she's not going to judge.  She's my kindred spirit.  She reminds me of what is right in this world and that there are people that exist that aren't judgemental; that aren't self righteous, that don't hate just to hate.  And he calls himself a Christian.  To that I ask him, what would Jesus do?

Sometimes a song says it all

I've been listening to Adele lately and really love her voice and songs.  She has a song titled "He won't go" on her 21 CD that I heard, but never really listened too.  Well, I listened today and here's a snip: "Some say I'll be better without you, but they don't know you like I do"  "Wake me up, wake me up when all is done, I won't rise until this battles won.  My dignity's been undone." "Will he?  Will he still remember me?  Will he still love me even when he's free? Or will he go back to the place where he will chose the poison over me?"  I really connect to this song.  It's funny how someone else can write a song that you feel represents your own life.  We all are really so connected in our human experience.  We dread to think that we're the only ones feeling the way that we do, but we rarely ever are.  Why are we so afraid to share that one thing that makes us all the same as humans--emotion?  Here's my vow...I will get to really know more people and share our common bonds more frequently.

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for so many things.  I'm thankful for my health, my children, my friends, but most of all for Jesus.  I believe that God had a reason for creating me, and even if I don't understand all the things happening in my live, I must believe that they are for my good.  It is good that my relationship with my husband struggles; it makes me more thankful for the quiet times.  It's good that I am married to an alcoholic; it brings me closer to faith in God.  But I continue to pray for guidance on when the tie must be cut.  When it's time to let go of him and let him try to fly on his own.  I know I can become what I believe and not worry about what he believes of me, but my children are much more impressionable.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, I want to continue to remember that I believe in faith, family and friends--in that order--and that I must nuture them in God's love, wisdom and understanding.

Strength

I've found strength comes from believing you are a gift from God. 

So this is it

How does hearing what someone says about you turn into believing what someone says about you?  When does believing what someone says about you stop and becoming what they say begin?  It seems like a blur of hurt, anguish and fear.  Anxiety over when you'll be home or what mood you'll be in when you get here.  Dread of the look in your eye that tells me you've been over-served again. The blood in your veins is boiling over something that makes no sense.  I can't listen or I will hurt, but I can't shut you out because you won't let me.  Do you know, that while you rant, I stop listening and start to wonder what demon has taken over your soul.  Can it see my soul?  Is that why it hates me so?  I pray for you.  I pray for us.  I pray that our children never fight this demon, but also get gut-wrenchingly sick knowing that it will probably happen.  Can I do something to change it?  Can I walk away?  Can you pick up the pieces of your broken soul, humble yourself before the Lord and realize that you need help?