Sometimes I think things are going so well that I've been healed! Alleluhia! And then I'm reminded of my controlling nature.
We had parent/teacher conferences tonight for our 9 year old and 4 year old. I left work early and began trying to reach the Beast on his cell. I called multiple times between the times of 4:30 and 5:10pm. No answer. So, what's my first expectation? He's at the bar. So, I drive by. I rationalize that it's on the way. (It sort of is. It's a few blocks out of the way, but still going the same direction I need to go. If I wasn't looking for him, I would have no need to take that street.) He wasn't there, so then I wondered if he decided to go out of his norm and go to a bar he hasn't been to in awhile. I call again. No answer.
So, I go to the appointments alone. It doesn't make me happy. I'm thinking about all the irresponsible things he's done and how could he miss parent/teacher conferences? They're his kids too!!
When the conferences are done, I call again with no answer. I call my in-laws (where my children are) and the Beast answers. He wants to know where I've been. I answer (sounding a little appalled that he even asked). We make small talk and he says he was still working. He snow plows and we received a few inches overnight, so this may be the truth, but I have doubts. He's friendly, though and we make plans for supper and split duties.
Once home, he takes over supper. He's polite, not hostile with the kids or with me. Now I know he hasn't been drinking. I feel safe again. Truly, when I drove up to the bar and looked toward his parking space (he always parks in back in the alley so he's not on the street), I was conscious of my heart beating in my chest. I'm sure it was beating faster, and my breath was coming more rapid.
Once again, I have to repeat to myself, "I have no control over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable." We'll get there!
Ugh... I do the SAME THING "Now I know he hasn't been drinking. I feel safe again."
ReplyDeleteWHY oh why do I let my "safety" rest in the hands of a fundamentally unsafe person? (Sure, without the alcohol, maybe they would be safe, but that is a with "what if" because there IS the alcohol.) Why is my world and my anxiety and my safety or lack thereof so tied into HIM and his drinking (or not drinking).
I had this SAME anxiety today when my son Drummer wanted to talk to me but I couldn't because I was on a client call. I tried calling him after he left and he couldn't talk because he was with his dad so I knew he had wanted to talk about his dad. My heart started beating in my chest like you describe when you drove by the bar... had Drummer seen signes his dad was drinking?????? I was sick to my stomach. I texted. "Now I'm gonna have anxiety until I talk to you... so as soon as you can call, that would be awesome."
He texted back a while later that his dad's bad mood was driving him nuts.
Ahhhhhhhhhh... I was "SAFE" again.
For 10 more minutes.
Until I am not again.
xo