Missing In Action

I didn't realize it's been almost a year since I'm written a blog post!  I didn't intend to be away so long.  I wish I had kept up writing to go back and realize the journey I've been on the last year.  What a difference it has made!

The Beast (which I am now choosing a new name for.  Let's call him Husband) has not quit drinking.  He's is less attached, for sure.  But, honestly, I'm not all that concerned about him anymore.  I spent the last 6 months focusing on getting myself healthy, and in the process, he has gotten healthy as well.  He's like a changed person.  Supportive of my well being and when he does choose to drink, not disruptive of the family life anymore.  Drunkeness is few and far between.  My ground rule is he won't wake me or the kids and he will be sober enough to take care of them in the morning.  By some miracle, it's been working.

So I said I've been working on my health...that's an understatement!  I'm a brand new person!  I changed my way of eating to get rid of refined sugars, increase healthy fats and decrease toxins (organic and non-GMO products) and it's been a Godsend!  My mood has changed and so has my body! My energy is increased, allowing me to exercise more.  I've lost 43lbs (and counting) and I've gone down 4 pants sizes!  AND I FEEL GREAT!  I'm very excited about this change and can't wait to share more about how this works for me.  But, until next time :)

Friend in Trouble

I have a friend that's in some real trouble and my first reaction is to help her!  Her husband is a JERK and very emotionally abusive to her.  She works full time and has a 5 year old, 17 month old and 6 month old at home.  Her husband does not work.  He stays home with the kids during the day.  That sounds so great from the outside, but when he's home, he doesn't do sh*t!  My friend has to do all the cleaning, laundry and general housekeeping...after work!  Plus, when she gets home, he leaves for his "job."  He plays poker.  Yep, he's got a gambling addiction.  He says it's his job because he brings home money, but I just can't see how someone can be so lucky!  I don't trust him at all and think that he may have some debts out there she doesn't know about.  He runs with the wrong crowd and has been picked up for possession of marijuana.  One of his best friends is a well known drug dealer in the area.  This guy is BAD NEWS!

He told her today he wants a divorce.  He cut her down, verbally ripping her to shreds.  She's had a very rough life.  She was sexual and physically abused by her mother's husband and her father committed suicide when she was 12.  She lived in foster care most of her life.  All I could do was listen, understand where she's coming from (he's an awful lot like the Beast, but he even makes Beast look tame sometimes!).  I told her I've really enjoyed Al-Anon and even though he doesn't drink, he's got an addiction.  (In our town, many Al-Anon groups also have members that could be involved in other types of addiction groups, they just aren't as available).

I recommended two resources to her.  One is a crisis line that I've used many times; and the other was the number for the local woman's shelter.  She said she thought the shelter was for women who were abused.  DUH!!!  I told her the way her husband is talking to her and treating her is emotional abuse!!  NO ONE should be told that they never should have been a mother!  Ugh!  So mad at him right now!

What else can I do?  I know she's got to heal for herself, but I want it so bad for her.  I'll pray, but anyone have any other suggestions on what I can say or do to try to get her to see that his wanting to leave is a blessing in disguise?

Long Time No Blog

It's been awhile!  I took some vacation at work and took my 3 kiddos to visit my dad and step mother.  We had a great time.  We left Beast behind, which helped make the trip more enjoyable.  He doesn't particularily like to spend that much time with my family and gets very edgy.  It raises my stress level tremendously when he's there, so I was grateful to have that time away.

So far, the Beast has been dry since my last post.  A part of me doesn't believe him, but I can't feel that way.  He has been continuously attending AA meetings; even going multiple times in a week.  He also has no disagreement with me attending Al-Anon.  I've been here before, so I will continue to work on me and my serenity and remember that I have no control over what he will or won't do.

I've recently started Weight Watchers back up.  I tend to get in slumps where all I want to do is eat crap food.  I know it has everything to do with comfort food.  My comfort food happens to be chocolate bars and potato chips!  So horribly unhealthy for me in so many ways!  I've also been walking for 30 minutes on my lunch break.  It's unbelievable how much that changes my afternoons!  It's still really cold here, so we go to our local mall and walk circles in there.  I can't wait for the spring weather.  There's just something about the fresh air and the exercise that gives me such a natural high.

I attended my Al-Anon meeting last night and the topic was Tradition 2.  Sometimes I dislike the tradition nights, mostly because they seem beyond me somehow.  Last night was great!  Awesome conversations on how our higher powers have been working in our lives and through the group.  My take away on the tradition revolves around no one in the group having authority over another.  I really like that we're all on the same playing field.  No one tells another what to do or how to do anything.  It's just an excepting group.  It's the one place I feel I can truly be myself and say what I think.  They can take what they like and leave the rest...

More peaceful

I have become more peaceful in the passing days.  The Beast met with our pastor and went to AA.  He seemed to be more at peace as well.  He told me he knows he has a problem and he must do something about it.  He realized he was in denial.  His meeting topic happened to be denial, and it really hit home for him.  I will continue to pray and turn it over to God, as I have no control over the situation.

Round 3...fight!

I don't know what's worse, things going well and waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when it actually drops.  I'm torn, in turmoil, physically and emotionally sick.  I'm not healthy, and I don't like it. 

I set a new boundary with the beast.  He cannot come home in the middle of the night if he's wasted.  I'm tired of the disruption of my sleep, the kids sleep, the verbal abuse and the all around inappropriate behavior of his drunken tirads in the middle of the night.  So, he went out for "a" beer last night, and didn't come home.  I woke up at 4:00am, and still had a hard time getting to sleep.  So, sleep disruption for me will happen whether he comes home or doesn't, I guess.  It was hard to not worry, or wonder where he's at.  But, at least he wasn't there waking up the kids or telling me how stupid I am and how I could do so much better at being a mother and wife.

Anyway, he came home at 7:30am.  I had to be at work at 8 (15 minute drive).  He seemed to have slept it off, so I left.  The kids still needed to catch the bus and my little guy needed to get to day care.  I left that to him.  Well, I started to get a bad feeling on my way to work, so I tried calling.  Over and over I called with no answer.  My 9 year old daughter finally answered at about 8:00, when I actually arrived at work.  I asked if Daddy was getting everyone ready for the bus.  Nope!  He was sleeping like a rock.  My daughter tried to wake him, but he wouldn't wake.  They had even put ice packs on him, and all he did is swing out at them.  So, I walked her through what to do to get the boys ready for the day.  At 9, she changed her 2 year old brother's diaper, got clothes out of their drawers and closets for them, made sure my 4 year old had his stuff for school and got coat, hat, mittens and shoes on/ready.  She said she wasn't feeling well, and I told her I'd call her into school.  The last thing I wanted was for her to get on the bus and leave the 2 year old to roam free.  It makes me sick thinking about it.

I attempted to call his parents (who are retired) to come and see if they could wake the Beast or at least get my daughter to school and my little guy to daycare.  No answer.  I walked into my work meeting about 5 minutes late, leaving my 9 year old the assurance that I would call in an hour and that she just needed to get my 4 year old on the bus and watch the 2 year old.  Then I would call back.

I did just that.  The Beast still couldn't be raised.  So, I made arrangements at work to leave and get the kids taken care of.  I got home the same time my MIL and FIL showed up.  They got my messages and came right over.  Well, since I had it under control, I took over to get the kids out the door.  As my lovely MIL was standing in the kitchen, she said, "I'd be depressed too if my house was this messy."  Why does she feel the need to do that?  My house isn't that terrible anyway.  Who is she to judge what it's like to work full time, raise three children and be mom and dad at the same time?  Just because her husband was a drinker when she had kids at home, our situation is NOT the same.  I'd say it got worse in a generation.  Her husband worked two jobs, while continuing to drink.  She only worked 2 days a week, as a teacher.  She had alot more time on her hands to be a homemaker.  I understand that it still hurt to have him gone all the time, but don't try to make it my fault that he's out wandering around getting drunk all the time.  Just like you couldn't do anything about your husband drinking (I bet you always had a clean house and food on the table at just the right time), I too can't do anything about my husband drinking.  Why make it worse by saying hurtful things?

But I digress.  I really did get upset, then cooled off with my tools I've learned from Al-Anon.  I cannot change how she reacts and what she thinks of me.  I can only change my behavior and how I react to what she says.  And I chose not to react.  I ignored her comment and went on with getting the kids out the door.  Then, she made other comments that I'm trying to forget.  "It would only take me an hour to get this area picked up and looking better." "I had a rule at my house.  No one got to do anything until the house was clean on Saturday."  "How long has this basket of clothes been sitting here?"  Really?  My husband, YOUR SON, didn't come home last night, is in a drunken stupor upstairs, continues to drink and act inappropriately, and you're worried about my housekeeping skills?!?!  It was all I could do to breathe...

And the story gets better.  I took a break from writing this and in the mean time, took another phone call from my MIL.  Why did I answer?  I'm not sure but I felt compelled to.  Besides, I really had cooled off.  Well, I called our pastor because I feel that the Beast needs a little push in the God department.  The church we attend is strongly against divorce, but I let Pastor know I was at the end of my rope.  I can't keep up this chaos with no end in sight.  He agreed to talk to the Beast.  My MIL knew this before calling me later.  She said that she's concerned with the Beast talking to the Pastor.  The last time we had a meeting with the pastor about our marital problems, the pastor mostly sided with me.  He really focused on Matt being a better husband and father.  I felt rightfully so.  We talked about things that I could improve as well, but, I'm sorry, the beast has some major issues!!  Anyway, he left that conversation and felt that the pastor was against him and was wrong in what he was saying.  I couldn't win.  So, I've been hesitant to talk to him again about the escalating alcohol problem in my house.  My MIL is concerned that the beast should have someone "that's on his side" when talking to the pastor.  She doesn't want it to be all about how he is a bad father and husband.  There are things that we both need to do better, so it shouldn't just be about the beast getting better.  Really?  She calls to tell me she wants to be with her dearly beloved son while the pastor speaks to him about his problem with alcohol and how he is no filling his duties as a husband and father just so pastor can't make him feel too badly about it?  So she can stick up for him or something?  I told her to be my guest!  If the beast would allow it, I'd love for her to be there!  I'm trying not to think about how justified I would be after that meeting to walk away from the marriage.  I imagine Pastor would leave and wonder how I've been able to stand this chaos and bad mouthing for so long?  My in-laws claim to be these top-notch Christians, but they are so rude and self centered!  I know, we all have sins and none of us are perfect, but I don't go around pointing out those faults to people all the time. 

I'm just at an emotional draining point.  I don't know where this is going to go or what I'm going to do.  I'm feeling all these emotions at once!  ANGER at my MIL for thinking she needs someone to blame for her son's behavior besides her son, SAD that I'm here again, just when I thought things were getting better, ASHAMED that I can't get my life straightened out, DEFEATED because I don't see and end, UNHAPPY because the beast is angry about my reaction today, actually angry at me and blaming me for him drinking last night "because I was already in bed", ANXIOUS of the outcome, TERRIFIED for my children and what this chaos is doing to them.

I give up for now.  I'm going to go to my meeting and see what comes.  I usually feel better and get good information there.  I think I need to get back to yoga practice as well, for some PEACE!

The Tsunami

A very wise woman in my group said last night, "Alcoholism is like a tsunami.  It leaves debris everywhere, even in places we don't know about.  Then, when we least expect it, we find that debris we didn't know was there and have to figure out how to deal with it."  WOW!  Well said my dear friend.  I hope you like that tidbit as well. 

My tsunami came in last night...again. At least I don't have to wait anymore for the shoe to drop...it went ahead and dropped.  The Beast went out and got nice and smashed last night.  He hasn't attended meetings like I've asked.  He was a total ass again. 

I will say that some things improved-with me.  I wasn't having any of his personal shots at me in the middle of the night.  I told him he was rude, disrespectful and didn't deserve an answer to any questions he was asking.  I've never had him agree.  Usually he continues, but he actually agreed last night!  I was a little confused but felt a small personal victory.  Here's how it went:

I was sleeping peacefully when my bedroom lights shot on about 1am.  I complained to have the lights back off.  He didn't comply.  The Beast then sat down on the bed next to me and asked, "Is it okay if I call you a retard?"  I ignored him.  He persisted and demanded an answer.  I sat up, told him he was rude and disrespectful by coming home, turning on the lights and speaking disrespectfully to me.  He agreed.  After about 5 minutes, he must have forgotten because he started in again.  Honestly, I remember the feelings I had as he talked, but I kept telling myself that it was the alcohol talking and I didn't have to believe anything he said.  I know he was speaking poorly about me or about something that I do, but I chose to block it out.  He tried to engage me in his chaos and I choose not to participate, which made him angrier.  I repeated my mantra to him again.  He's rude, disrespectful and unnecessarily disrupting my night of sleep.  He agreed, and went to bed.  The incident was much shorter than usual so I was able to get back to sleep fairly normally and it didn't drag into hours of complete disregard for me, my space and my feelings.

That being said, I'm still PISSED!  How dare he bring that chaos back after he promised not to!  How dare he not get HELP when he admits he has a problem!  How dare he speak so callously to me!!  I was feeling pretty good last night after my meeting.  It went well, good conversation, good talk about detachment and forgiveness.  And then the anger boils.  Can I forgive and keep forgiving?  Can I detach WITH LOVE?  I'd rather just kick him out on his ass and make him try to figure out how to function without me. 

I think I have to make it more uncomfortable for him.  I've been carrying a large weight of responsibility when it comes to the household.  Not anymore.  He's got it too good now.  Will my unwillingness to carry the burden lead him to drink more?  Maybe.  But he drinks heavily when I do have most of the responsibilities.  He makes his own choices, right?  Or, should I be more compassionate to the man and more angry at the disease?  It's hard for me to tell where one stops and the other starts lately.  Bummer.

Just writting has lifted some of the tightness in my chest and stomach I was feeling this morning.  Thanks for listening!

Still not well

Sometimes I think things are going so well that I've been healed! Alleluhia!  And then I'm reminded of my controlling nature.

We had parent/teacher conferences tonight for our 9 year old and 4 year old.  I left work early and began trying to reach the Beast on his cell.  I called multiple times between the times of 4:30 and 5:10pm.  No answer.  So, what's my first expectation?  He's at the bar.  So, I drive by.  I rationalize that it's on the way.  (It sort of is.  It's a few blocks out of the way, but still going the same direction I need to go.  If I wasn't looking for him, I would have no need to take that street.)  He wasn't there, so then I wondered if he decided to go out of his norm and go to a bar he hasn't been to in awhile.  I call again.  No answer.

So, I go to the appointments alone.  It doesn't make me happy.  I'm thinking about all the irresponsible things he's done and how could he miss parent/teacher conferences?  They're his kids too!!

When the conferences are done, I call again with no answer.  I call my in-laws (where my children are) and the Beast answers.  He wants to know where I've been.  I answer (sounding a little appalled that he even asked).  We make small talk and he says he was still working.  He snow plows and we received a few inches overnight, so this may be the truth, but I have doubts.  He's friendly, though and we make plans for supper and split duties. 

Once home, he takes over supper.  He's polite, not hostile with the kids or with me.  Now I know he hasn't been drinking.  I feel safe again.  Truly, when I drove up to the bar and looked toward his parking space (he always parks in back in the alley so he's not on the street), I was conscious of my heart beating in my chest.  I'm sure it was beating faster, and my breath was coming more rapid.

Once again, I have to repeat to myself, "I have no control over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable."  We'll get there!