Change?

I haven't blogged for awhile, so I'm not sure if that means I'll have alot to say, or nothing at all to say!  Christmas went well.  It was probably one of the most relaxing Christmas' I've had in a long time!  The Beast didn't get drunk once, at least not until the day after Christmas, but I think that's why it was such a good holiday.  He was polite and considerate and didn't complain when we were at my family's house.  He usually hates going to my mom's house, but I was ready to leave and he wasn't!  We stayed all afternoon into the evening--so nice!  He didn't have harsh words for me or critisize me for how I handle the kids or anything!  It was like I had a new husband!  I did my best to thank him and encourage him.  I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his kindness and willingness to spend time with my family for Christmas.  He seemed truly happy with this.  Amazing feeling....I feel like we're getting somewhere.

It's been really busy at work and at home, so since Christmas, we've been passing ships in the night.  He has still been drinking, but not falling down drunk at all this week (I know, he's still drinking, but anytime he's not smashed is an accomplishment.  He's a very nasty drunk).  I had a retirment party for a previous co-worker that I attended and this usually calls for arguments and sometimes even forbidding me to go.  But, I went, he stayed with the kids and I had a great time.  No guilt trip when I got back.  No harsh words when I came home 20 minutes after I said I would.  He left right away to go to "the shop," which is code word for "I'll end up at the bar or a buddy's house drinking." I let him go without complaints as well.  He was home by 11ish, so not late either!  Friendly this morning!  Not really sure what's going on.  I've been continuing to attend Al-Anon and using my steps.  I really have been focusing on Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol-my life has become unmanageable.  I know I can't take all the credit, but I do feel that my focus and change of attitude toward his drinking has at least been noticed.

Now to New Year's Eve.  Grandma is taking our children overnight, so we have the night to ourselves.  I'm excited and filled with dread at the same time.  We have no current plans.  I'd like to plan a cozy night at home, or find some non-alcoholic even we can attend, but I have a feeling he's going to want to live it up.  Do I go with?  If I go, am I giving the impression that I am okay with him drinking?  Will it be acceptable for me to have a glass of wine?  I'll have to pray about it and do what I feel is best.

Christmas time is here

I know Christmas is here because I don't remember what happened this week.  I just know it's been lots of hustle and bustle.  I don't remember even sitting down last night until 9:30, and then I wrote out notes to all my kids' teachers!  I'm pretty sure I'm sleep deprived as well, but I really can't wait to give out gifts!  I love gift giving!  Sometimes I wish I had more money so I could get everyone everything they wanted on their list.  Then I remember that it's not about "things" at Christmas.  It's about the ultimate gift given to us: the Christ child was born! 

He almost pissed on my dresser

Yep.  You read that right.  He got hammered last night, got up at 4am to use the toilet and almost used my dresser instead. If he hadn't made such a production getting out of bed, I wouldn't have rolled over to see what he was doing and yelled at him to stop.  After I stopped him, I wish I hadn't.  I wanted him to feel the effects of his drinking.  He appears to be getting worse.  He drinks more, gets drunk more and blacks out almost everytime he's drunk.  When I told him what happened last night, he laughed!  He laughed like he did something stupid at a frat party the night before!  I told him I was embarrased and upset at his behavior and I didn't think it was funny.

What I did think was funny, is that he turned into Prince Charming today. Sometimes I think I'm married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.  I'm trying to remember it's a disease.

Irony

Had a great meeting last night.  Laughed until I cried then cried until I laughed.  I love meetings like that.  It's so refreshing to go to Al-Anon and finally feel a connection with other people.  The Beast doesn't support me going because he doesn't have a problem, of course.  But I've commited to getting a sitter for the kids so I can go and not have to rely on his mood if he'll stay with the kids or not. 

So what's so ironic?  The Beast was so very tired that he did nothing but sit on the couch while I cleaned before the meeting.  Then, when I called him after the meeting to see if he wanted to ride with me to get the kids (about 1/2 hour each way), he was at the bar.  Ha!  I was at Al-Anon and he was at the bar!  And he doesn't have a problem?!?  BUT, last nights topic was letting go, and I'm going to practice that today.  I'm also working on step 1.  I thought I had that one down, but I still catch myself wanting to control the alcohol.  I like the mantra "I didn't cause it.  I can't control it. I can't cure it."  I am going to use that this week as I deal with not only my husband, but any others I feel I need to control or feel responsible for.

The Conversation

I had a good conversation with The Beast last night.  I really talked lovingly and from the heart what I was concerned about.  He's continued to adamently deny he has a drinking problem.  Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, I asked him some pointed questions.  "What did you feel like when you left here for one drink?"  "Did you really believe in your heart you were only going to have one?" "Please think deeply about your motives."  And so on.  It's easier to talk to him this way after he has a night of binging.  I always thought it odd how closely an alcoholic relationship mirrors a domestic abuse relationship.  The Beast is always loving, apologetic, extra sensitive to my needs, promising not to do it again the night after a bender.  I've even gotten flowers at work before.  I had to lie about why I got them.  I said he was just surprising me.  I couldn't face my co-workers if I said, "Well, he went out last night, got smashed, said some really nasty things to me, and this is his way of apologizing."  Maybe if I had, I'd find others fighting this fight.

Anyway, back to how The Beast took my questions.  He took them well!  He seemed reflective!  He didn't drink yesterday.  I can't speak to whether he didn't smoke weed, but he didn't drink.  Today will be the true test.  He was in a good mood this morning.  Even apologized to me for not getting up again to help get everyone ready in the morning.  (He rarely gets up before I leave.  Sometimes he'll stay in bed long past 9:00 in the morning.  He's self employed so he seems to think he's got that luxury.  If he had to punch a clock, I'm convinced he never would make it.  Another side effect of his drinking patterns.  He doesn't see it that way though.  He thinks he sleeps in because he can't get to sleep at night and doesn't get good sleep.  That may be true, because I have many days like that, but I still get up and put my responsible pants on.)  I have my Al-Anon meeting tonight.  Definately looking forward to it.  It's like coming home :-)

Confusion

It seems to me that I've been in a stage of confusion lately.  Is he an alcoholic or isn't he?  Am I just being selfish? Am I making things up that aren't there?  If he's not drunk everyday, should I just ignore it?  He drinks once a day and smokes weed close to that--that's not normal, is it?  If I ask him to not leave, he says he needs to and will be out for just "one."  Rarely is it one and he's never stayed home instead.  He used to very involved in church, but lately he doesn't seem to want to participate much at all.  Today we fought about going to Bible Study.  I told him that it's not a good example for his children to have us go while he stays in bed.  I've discovered the hard way that he disagrees. 

I don't really know what to think anymore.  I just know that it doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel right. 

Beautiful Day

I feel a beautiful day ahead of me today! I slept well last night.  Amazing what that can do for the spirit.  I also did some Christmas decorating and a little house work.  When I get in funks, I neglect housework, so getting some done felt good.  I'm not really in a funk, it's just so busy with working full time, taking care of 3 kids mostly by myself because my husband (I'm going to call him The Beast from now on) leaves to drink just after supper.  I've got bath, jammie, homework, bedtime books, prayers and lights out all to my own.  Even if he's home, he sits on the couch as if the rest of us aren't there.  BUT...today is a beautiful day.  I'm going to enjoy the milestone I passed at my Weight Watchers weigh in this morning (9.8 lbs lost in 3 weeks!!) and smile