It's been really busy at work and at home, so since Christmas, we've been passing ships in the night. He has still been drinking, but not falling down drunk at all this week (I know, he's still drinking, but anytime he's not smashed is an accomplishment. He's a very nasty drunk). I had a retirment party for a previous co-worker that I attended and this usually calls for arguments and sometimes even forbidding me to go. But, I went, he stayed with the kids and I had a great time. No guilt trip when I got back. No harsh words when I came home 20 minutes after I said I would. He left right away to go to "the shop," which is code word for "I'll end up at the bar or a buddy's house drinking." I let him go without complaints as well. He was home by 11ish, so not late either! Friendly this morning! Not really sure what's going on. I've been continuing to attend Al-Anon and using my steps. I really have been focusing on Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol-my life has become unmanageable. I know I can't take all the credit, but I do feel that my focus and change of attitude toward his drinking has at least been noticed.
Now to New Year's Eve. Grandma is taking our children overnight, so we have the night to ourselves. I'm excited and filled with dread at the same time. We have no current plans. I'd like to plan a cozy night at home, or find some non-alcoholic even we can attend, but I have a feeling he's going to want to live it up. Do I go with? If I go, am I giving the impression that I am okay with him drinking? Will it be acceptable for me to have a glass of wine? I'll have to pray about it and do what I feel is best.
I'm so glad you were able to relax and enjoy Christmas without having to endure alcoholic hell. As they say in AA, attraction, not promotion. You're taking care of yourself with the meetings and tools and maybe he wants what you have.
ReplyDeleteAs far as tonight, whatever you decided, to drink or not to, read Tearless's latest post about the illusion of having control over someone else's drinking. It's great.
Hope you had a nice time tonight either way!
Thanks for the shout out, Elizabeth!
ReplyDeleteLissalin, I have been soooooooo struggling with this same thing too (for 23 years - ugh!)
I just want to encourage you that you can have a glass of wine - or not - depending on what YOU know to be best for YOU and your life. You know if you are capable of having a drink (or do you have a drinking problem etc.?). Will you be able to get up in the morning and work and take care of kids and function? Because that is what matters. As you have seen, your "modeling" does not "teach" or "show" the alcoholic ANYTHING. We end up not living for us but making every choice as a lesson or a statement or something. I THOUGHT it was me being helpful an/or noble, but I am more & more coming to see it might be just another way I am trying to control things because I am afraid. And this is an illusion.
xo
Well, we did go out for New Year's Eve. We went to a friends house and hung out with 3 other couples. I had a couple of beers, and I didn't keep track of his. At about 12:45, we left and Beast wanted to go to the bar. I told him I was tired and wanted to go home. He dropped me off, and stayed at the bar until 5am. I couldn't affect what he did anymore than he could stop what he did. He was sick as a dog the next day. I'd be lying if I said a small part of me was glad he was!
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