Our topic last night was the twelfth step. So, a spiritual awakening? Well, I would say the last year has been a spiritual awakening for me. A year ago in October, I became very ill. It started one day when I was working out at my local Curves. I got very short of breath and light-headed. Then my heart started racing and pain was shooting through my left chest and arm. I thought for sure I was having a heart attack at 33. I went to the clinic where they plugged me in to a bunch of machines and decided my heart was just fine. They took blood and decided I was fighting Pleurisy. I also have been prone to panic attacks and was concerned that I was panicking at this time as well. I was able to get a little medication to help that along, and was getting better. Then I got strep throat 2 days later. I was put on penicillin. After 2 days on the penicillin, I was very sick. I was nauseous, tired, run down, and had upper abdomen pain. The nausea was the worst. I couldn't eat for weeks. I lost lots of weight. Panic attacks were occuring regularily. My prayers increased tremendously. I was scared and sick. After about a week, I went to the doctor again and they ran a blood tests to check for mulitiple different things. Nothing. Another week goes by and I still can't eat. I'm too weak to go to work. If I'm not sleeping, I'm panicking. I go back to the doctor again and have more blood tests done. Nothing. Another week goes by and I finally decide to call and make an appointment with my regular doctor (I had just been going to walk-in). He orders test, tells me to take Prilosec and orders an ultrasound. I pass out when they take blood this time because I've become so weak. The Prilosec really seemed to help for almost a week. I was feeling positive that I was getting better. Then my nausea and pain started again. And along with that, the panic attacks. I went to the ultrasound. The results showed gall stones, and I was excited! I got an appointment with a surgeon scheduled, but it was 2 weeks away. In the mean time, panic attacks and extreme depression took over. I was calling a crisis hotline daily. I called to make an appointment with a councellor. I couldn't get in for 2 months. I told them I was desperate, so they got me in the next day. The appointment with my surgeon came and when he came in he asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms. He then told me that he didn't think it was the gall stones as they were too small and everyone has them and they don't always cause problems. He wanted me to do another scan to test my gall bladder for functionality. I, of course, couldn't get in for that for a week. When I finally came to do the scan, I had to ask my mom to be there with me. I was terrified. My panic mode was constant. I'm not even sure how my body was able to stand up to the constant panic I was under. My husband, the lovely man that he is, told me I was crazy. I had my mom come because he didn't want to "baby" me. I was sick and he didn't care.
So the day of the Hida Scan came and they pumped me with radiation and took pictures of my digestive tract. The technician that was doing the scan, let me know that many people get the sharp stabbing pains that are typical of gall bladder attacks after injecting the fluid. No stabbing pain for me. After one hour, my gall bladder didn't show up. The technician, who had been doing these scans for 15 years, had never had that happen before. So, I got to walk around for an hour and then go back to finish the scan. I had to wait a week for an appointment with the surgeon again and the results.
My appointment with the surgeon was frustrating. He asked about my symptoms again. He told me that the scan wasn't positively pointing to gall bladder. It was functioning at 45% and the treshhold of "take it out now" is at 35%. He wanted another test because he thought I actually had ulcers. I left defeated, scared and I really began to feel crazy. I contemplated checking myself into the psych ward. I contemplated leaving my husband and children so I wouldn't burden them. I didn't want my kids to see their mom "crack." Luckily, the next test was scheduled for the next day--no more waiting! I had to have an upper GI (camera down the throat!). I was panicking the whole time before I went in. I told the nurses I was terrified of the "conscious sedation." You mean I'll be awake?!?! They assured me I could take my anxiety medicine, that I wouldn't feel anything and that I wouldn't remember the test either. Well, at least they were right this time. I was able to speak to the doctor right away after becoming more coherent. He saw no ulcers. I was back to square one. My appointment with the surgeon again was in another week.
I would not make it to that appointment. I was taken to emergency two days after my scan with extreme stomach pain. I couldn't hardly breathe. I've had 3 children, and child birth was NOTHING like this. After getting some pain meds, a doctor came in to talk to me. He asked me, "This may seem like a stupid question, but after looking at your chart...do you still have your gall bladder?" I just started crying. Maybe it was the morphine. I couldn't help it. I said, "yes." He told me it needed to come out! Two days after that I went in for surgery. It was now mid December--2 1/2 months after I first got sick.
My body healed quickly and I could go back to eating like normal right away, but my mental state took longer. I haven't had a panic attack in months, and those that I've had are more like mini panic attacks. If you've ever had a full blown panic attack before, you know what I mean. They're more like the aftershock and not the actual earthquake.
Where I was going with this story is, through all this, I prayed constantly. I rarely stopped talking to God in my head. I've never been that close to him. Eventhough I was scared of dying, I felt I was going to be safe. That part, I continue to have. I'm no longer afraid to die. I now feel a much stronger bond with my Lord and Savior, and I'm extremely grateful for that. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. And this was one of those times.
So, the twelfth step reminds me that I have had a "spiritual awakening." I have not come to work all steps in my al-anon recovery, nor have I perfected the 12th, but I will continue to work and study them for serenity and healing.
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