Change?

I haven't blogged for awhile, so I'm not sure if that means I'll have alot to say, or nothing at all to say!  Christmas went well.  It was probably one of the most relaxing Christmas' I've had in a long time!  The Beast didn't get drunk once, at least not until the day after Christmas, but I think that's why it was such a good holiday.  He was polite and considerate and didn't complain when we were at my family's house.  He usually hates going to my mom's house, but I was ready to leave and he wasn't!  We stayed all afternoon into the evening--so nice!  He didn't have harsh words for me or critisize me for how I handle the kids or anything!  It was like I had a new husband!  I did my best to thank him and encourage him.  I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his kindness and willingness to spend time with my family for Christmas.  He seemed truly happy with this.  Amazing feeling....I feel like we're getting somewhere.

It's been really busy at work and at home, so since Christmas, we've been passing ships in the night.  He has still been drinking, but not falling down drunk at all this week (I know, he's still drinking, but anytime he's not smashed is an accomplishment.  He's a very nasty drunk).  I had a retirment party for a previous co-worker that I attended and this usually calls for arguments and sometimes even forbidding me to go.  But, I went, he stayed with the kids and I had a great time.  No guilt trip when I got back.  No harsh words when I came home 20 minutes after I said I would.  He left right away to go to "the shop," which is code word for "I'll end up at the bar or a buddy's house drinking." I let him go without complaints as well.  He was home by 11ish, so not late either!  Friendly this morning!  Not really sure what's going on.  I've been continuing to attend Al-Anon and using my steps.  I really have been focusing on Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol-my life has become unmanageable.  I know I can't take all the credit, but I do feel that my focus and change of attitude toward his drinking has at least been noticed.

Now to New Year's Eve.  Grandma is taking our children overnight, so we have the night to ourselves.  I'm excited and filled with dread at the same time.  We have no current plans.  I'd like to plan a cozy night at home, or find some non-alcoholic even we can attend, but I have a feeling he's going to want to live it up.  Do I go with?  If I go, am I giving the impression that I am okay with him drinking?  Will it be acceptable for me to have a glass of wine?  I'll have to pray about it and do what I feel is best.

Christmas time is here

I know Christmas is here because I don't remember what happened this week.  I just know it's been lots of hustle and bustle.  I don't remember even sitting down last night until 9:30, and then I wrote out notes to all my kids' teachers!  I'm pretty sure I'm sleep deprived as well, but I really can't wait to give out gifts!  I love gift giving!  Sometimes I wish I had more money so I could get everyone everything they wanted on their list.  Then I remember that it's not about "things" at Christmas.  It's about the ultimate gift given to us: the Christ child was born! 

He almost pissed on my dresser

Yep.  You read that right.  He got hammered last night, got up at 4am to use the toilet and almost used my dresser instead. If he hadn't made such a production getting out of bed, I wouldn't have rolled over to see what he was doing and yelled at him to stop.  After I stopped him, I wish I hadn't.  I wanted him to feel the effects of his drinking.  He appears to be getting worse.  He drinks more, gets drunk more and blacks out almost everytime he's drunk.  When I told him what happened last night, he laughed!  He laughed like he did something stupid at a frat party the night before!  I told him I was embarrased and upset at his behavior and I didn't think it was funny.

What I did think was funny, is that he turned into Prince Charming today. Sometimes I think I'm married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.  I'm trying to remember it's a disease.

Irony

Had a great meeting last night.  Laughed until I cried then cried until I laughed.  I love meetings like that.  It's so refreshing to go to Al-Anon and finally feel a connection with other people.  The Beast doesn't support me going because he doesn't have a problem, of course.  But I've commited to getting a sitter for the kids so I can go and not have to rely on his mood if he'll stay with the kids or not. 

So what's so ironic?  The Beast was so very tired that he did nothing but sit on the couch while I cleaned before the meeting.  Then, when I called him after the meeting to see if he wanted to ride with me to get the kids (about 1/2 hour each way), he was at the bar.  Ha!  I was at Al-Anon and he was at the bar!  And he doesn't have a problem?!?  BUT, last nights topic was letting go, and I'm going to practice that today.  I'm also working on step 1.  I thought I had that one down, but I still catch myself wanting to control the alcohol.  I like the mantra "I didn't cause it.  I can't control it. I can't cure it."  I am going to use that this week as I deal with not only my husband, but any others I feel I need to control or feel responsible for.

The Conversation

I had a good conversation with The Beast last night.  I really talked lovingly and from the heart what I was concerned about.  He's continued to adamently deny he has a drinking problem.  Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, I asked him some pointed questions.  "What did you feel like when you left here for one drink?"  "Did you really believe in your heart you were only going to have one?" "Please think deeply about your motives."  And so on.  It's easier to talk to him this way after he has a night of binging.  I always thought it odd how closely an alcoholic relationship mirrors a domestic abuse relationship.  The Beast is always loving, apologetic, extra sensitive to my needs, promising not to do it again the night after a bender.  I've even gotten flowers at work before.  I had to lie about why I got them.  I said he was just surprising me.  I couldn't face my co-workers if I said, "Well, he went out last night, got smashed, said some really nasty things to me, and this is his way of apologizing."  Maybe if I had, I'd find others fighting this fight.

Anyway, back to how The Beast took my questions.  He took them well!  He seemed reflective!  He didn't drink yesterday.  I can't speak to whether he didn't smoke weed, but he didn't drink.  Today will be the true test.  He was in a good mood this morning.  Even apologized to me for not getting up again to help get everyone ready in the morning.  (He rarely gets up before I leave.  Sometimes he'll stay in bed long past 9:00 in the morning.  He's self employed so he seems to think he's got that luxury.  If he had to punch a clock, I'm convinced he never would make it.  Another side effect of his drinking patterns.  He doesn't see it that way though.  He thinks he sleeps in because he can't get to sleep at night and doesn't get good sleep.  That may be true, because I have many days like that, but I still get up and put my responsible pants on.)  I have my Al-Anon meeting tonight.  Definately looking forward to it.  It's like coming home :-)

Confusion

It seems to me that I've been in a stage of confusion lately.  Is he an alcoholic or isn't he?  Am I just being selfish? Am I making things up that aren't there?  If he's not drunk everyday, should I just ignore it?  He drinks once a day and smokes weed close to that--that's not normal, is it?  If I ask him to not leave, he says he needs to and will be out for just "one."  Rarely is it one and he's never stayed home instead.  He used to very involved in church, but lately he doesn't seem to want to participate much at all.  Today we fought about going to Bible Study.  I told him that it's not a good example for his children to have us go while he stays in bed.  I've discovered the hard way that he disagrees. 

I don't really know what to think anymore.  I just know that it doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel right. 

Beautiful Day

I feel a beautiful day ahead of me today! I slept well last night.  Amazing what that can do for the spirit.  I also did some Christmas decorating and a little house work.  When I get in funks, I neglect housework, so getting some done felt good.  I'm not really in a funk, it's just so busy with working full time, taking care of 3 kids mostly by myself because my husband (I'm going to call him The Beast from now on) leaves to drink just after supper.  I've got bath, jammie, homework, bedtime books, prayers and lights out all to my own.  Even if he's home, he sits on the couch as if the rest of us aren't there.  BUT...today is a beautiful day.  I'm going to enjoy the milestone I passed at my Weight Watchers weigh in this morning (9.8 lbs lost in 3 weeks!!) and smile

Twelfth Step

I went to my Al-Anon meeting last night!  It felt like going home.  Such a huge release seeing people I haven't seen for awhile.  Lots of "glad you're backs" made me feel good.  So glad to be back myself.

Our topic last night was the twelfth step.  So, a spiritual awakening?  Well, I would say the last year has been a spiritual awakening for me.  A year ago in October, I became very ill.  It started one day when I was working out at my local Curves.  I got very short of breath and light-headed.  Then my heart started racing and pain was shooting through my left chest and arm.  I thought for sure I was having a heart attack at 33.  I went to the clinic where they plugged me in to a bunch of machines and decided my heart was just fine.  They took blood and decided I was fighting Pleurisy.  I also have been prone to panic attacks and was concerned that I was panicking at this time as well.  I was able to get a little medication to help that along, and was getting better.  Then I got strep throat 2 days later.  I was put on penicillin.  After 2 days on the penicillin, I was very sick. I was nauseous, tired, run down, and had upper abdomen pain.  The nausea was the worst.  I couldn't eat for weeks.  I lost lots of weight.  Panic attacks were occuring regularily.  My prayers increased tremendously.  I was scared and sick. After about a week, I went to the doctor again and they ran a blood tests to check for mulitiple different things.  Nothing.  Another week goes by and I still can't eat.  I'm too weak to go to work.  If I'm not sleeping, I'm panicking.  I go back to the doctor again and have more blood tests done.  Nothing.  Another week goes by and I finally decide to call and make an appointment with my regular doctor (I had just been going to walk-in).  He orders test, tells me to take Prilosec and orders an ultrasound.  I pass out when they take blood this time because I've become so weak.  The Prilosec really seemed to help for almost a week.  I was feeling positive that I was getting better.  Then my nausea and pain started again.  And along with that, the panic attacks.  I went to the ultrasound.  The results showed gall stones, and I was excited!  I got an appointment with a surgeon scheduled, but it was 2 weeks away.  In the mean time, panic attacks and extreme depression took over.  I was calling a crisis hotline daily.  I called to make an appointment with a councellor.  I couldn't get in for 2 months.  I told them I was desperate, so they got me in the next day.  The appointment with my surgeon came and when he came in he asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms.  He then told me that he didn't think it was the gall stones as they were too small and everyone has them and they don't always cause problems.  He wanted me to do another scan to test my gall bladder for functionality.  I, of course, couldn't get in for that for a week.  When I finally came to do the scan, I had to ask my mom to be there with me.  I was terrified.  My panic mode was constant.  I'm not even sure how my body was able to stand up to the constant panic I was under.  My husband, the lovely man that he is, told me I was crazy.  I had my mom come because he didn't want to "baby" me.  I was sick and he didn't care.

So the day of the Hida Scan came and they pumped me with radiation and took pictures of my digestive tract.  The technician that was doing the scan, let me know that many people get the sharp stabbing pains that are typical of gall bladder attacks after injecting the fluid.  No stabbing pain for me.  After one hour, my gall bladder didn't show up.  The technician, who had been doing these scans for 15 years, had never had that happen before.  So, I got to walk around for an hour and then go back to finish the scan.  I had to wait a week for an appointment with the surgeon again and the results.

My appointment with the surgeon was frustrating.  He asked about my symptoms again.  He told me that the scan wasn't positively pointing to gall bladder.  It was functioning at 45% and the treshhold of "take it out now" is at 35%.  He wanted another test because he thought I actually had ulcers.  I left defeated, scared and I really began to feel crazy.  I contemplated checking myself into the psych ward.  I contemplated leaving my husband and children so I wouldn't burden them.  I didn't want my kids to see their mom "crack."  Luckily, the next test was scheduled for the next day--no more waiting!  I had to have an upper GI (camera down the throat!).  I was panicking the whole time before I went in.  I told the nurses I was terrified of the "conscious sedation." You mean I'll be awake?!?!  They assured me I could take my anxiety medicine, that I wouldn't feel anything and that I wouldn't remember the test either.  Well, at least they were right this time.  I was able to speak to the doctor right away after becoming more coherent.  He saw no ulcers.  I was back to square one.  My appointment with the surgeon again was in another week.

I would not make it to that appointment.  I was taken to emergency two days after my scan with extreme stomach pain.  I couldn't hardly breathe.  I've had 3 children, and child birth was NOTHING like this.  After getting some pain meds, a doctor came in to talk to me.  He asked me, "This may seem like a stupid question, but after looking at your chart...do you still have your gall bladder?"  I just started crying.  Maybe it was the morphine.  I couldn't help it.  I said, "yes."  He told me it needed to come out!  Two days after that I went in for surgery. It was now mid December--2 1/2 months after I first got sick.

My body healed quickly and I could go back to eating like normal right away, but my mental state took longer.  I haven't had a panic attack in months, and those that I've had are more like mini panic attacks.  If you've ever had a full blown panic attack before, you know what I mean.  They're more like the aftershock and not the actual earthquake.

Where I was going with this story is, through all this, I prayed constantly.  I rarely stopped talking to God in my head.  I've never been that close to him.  Eventhough I was scared of dying, I felt I was going to be safe.  That part, I continue to have.  I'm no longer afraid to die.  I now feel a much stronger bond with my Lord and Savior, and I'm extremely grateful for that.  That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.  And this was one of those times.

So, the twelfth step reminds me that I have had a "spiritual awakening."  I have not come to work all steps in my al-anon recovery, nor have I perfected the 12th, but I will continue to work and study them for serenity and healing.

Giddy

I can't wait for tomorrow night!  I'm going back to my Al Anon meeting after being away for many months.  It's like coming home to your family.  It's the first place I ever felt I belonged since I started dating my husband. Controlling is an understatement when describing him, but Tuesday nights will be my nights!  Yea!

Christmas

Must remember that Jesus is the reason for the season.  Already starting to get stressed.  Whose family takes precidence?  Where do we go first?  When do we schedule it all in?  Baking cookies and candies to have in my house when I'm on Weight Watchers--ugh!  Had a very nice Christmas concert yesterday.  Was blessed to be able to sing with a very talented group of fellow Christians.  Very inspiring and uplifting to sing God's praises.  I promise to keep my eye on Jesus and let the other things happen and Christmas.  I'm not able to please everyone so I should just be sure that Christmas for me, my husband and my children is focused in the right direction.  Here's to the holidays!

Chocolate

I went to a chocolate and wine party tonight.  The chocolate was WONDERFUL, but I didn't touch the wine.  Of course I was offered it multiple times. "Are you sure?" "Not even a sip?" No wonder people with an addiction have a hard time! Why do people feel it necessary to continue to push wine on me when I already said "no?" I'm sure they all think I'm pregnant now.  Doesn't matter! Loved the chocolate and had a few good laughs. God is good!

Whatever...

I finally agreed to myself I needed to get back to Al-Anon.  So, I announced to my husband that I was attending a meeting.  It didn't go over well, as if I expected any different.  Of course he wanted to know why I wanted to go.  When I told him it was for me, he stated he should think so since it's not about him that I would attend.  Well, it didn't matter anyway because he didn't think I should go so I decided not to go.  I gave in tonight because I didn't plan.  I will plan to get a sitter every Tuesday evening so I can attend my meeting and give no excuses for him to not let me go.

He, of course, went out for "one" drink 3 hours ago. I'm thinking it's going to be a few more than that.  But, he doesn't have a problem with alcohol.  He just likes to drink. Whatever.

To Friends

I had a wonderful time with an old friend on Saturday.  It's amazing to me that I've had this friendship for 23 years and even if we don't talk for months, we seem to pick up right where we left off.  I believe it's like having a soul mate. 

I was on cloud nine Saturday.  I had an excellent time with my kiddos, and amazing conversation with my friend.  But, when we went out, we had drinks.  As a person married to an alcoholic, I struggle with if it's acceptable to have a drink every so often.  I don't want him to, so why should I?  But I don't have a problem not drinking, nor do I over do it.  What's right in this situation?  I never know.  But, Saturday got away from me.  Talking and talking and drink after drink--I was over served.  Because I was far from home, I choose not to drive.  Smart, right?  Well, that meant staying at my dear friends house.  My husband was over the roof with anger.  At me?  For one night?  What?  He said he was divorcing me--so be it I say.  I came home the next morning in time for early church.  He had the kids ready to go (huge miracle!!)  He had locked the garage door so I couldn't get in, and we don't have keys for our front door. 

The conversation after church was intense.  I am not allowed to see my friend unless she comes to our house. Like house arrest? I'm not allowed to drink with my friend (I'm okay with that as I rarely drink-hence after a couple drinks knew I was past my limit.  But, what's with the dictatorship I suddenly live in?) I can never complain about him coming home at 5 or 6 am because I didn't get home until 8.  (Never mind that I called to tell him where I was and what I was going to do.  And never mind that I actually slept before coming home instead of binging literally all night)

Now, my dilemma is what do I do?  I'm not going to stop spending time with my friend because my husband says so.  He over reacted, said a lot of hurtful things and made me feel like I was a child disobeying their parent.  I want so bad to do the same to him when he goes out.  He leaves every night to either go to the bar or go to a buddy's house and drink.  He leaves after supper and gets home after everyone has been long in bed.  Shouldn't I get to be angry as well?  I have a right to be angry!  I have a right to have rage!  He thinks it's fine because he isn't "drunk" every day.  What?  Sometimes I just want to shake him as if it would wake him up from this crazy life he's living.

So, I won't stop spending time with my friend.  I deserve to have a friend who supports and loves me no matter what decisions I make in my life.  She may not approve, but she's not going to judge.  She's my kindred spirit.  She reminds me of what is right in this world and that there are people that exist that aren't judgemental; that aren't self righteous, that don't hate just to hate.  And he calls himself a Christian.  To that I ask him, what would Jesus do?

Sometimes a song says it all

I've been listening to Adele lately and really love her voice and songs.  She has a song titled "He won't go" on her 21 CD that I heard, but never really listened too.  Well, I listened today and here's a snip: "Some say I'll be better without you, but they don't know you like I do"  "Wake me up, wake me up when all is done, I won't rise until this battles won.  My dignity's been undone." "Will he?  Will he still remember me?  Will he still love me even when he's free? Or will he go back to the place where he will chose the poison over me?"  I really connect to this song.  It's funny how someone else can write a song that you feel represents your own life.  We all are really so connected in our human experience.  We dread to think that we're the only ones feeling the way that we do, but we rarely ever are.  Why are we so afraid to share that one thing that makes us all the same as humans--emotion?  Here's my vow...I will get to really know more people and share our common bonds more frequently.

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for so many things.  I'm thankful for my health, my children, my friends, but most of all for Jesus.  I believe that God had a reason for creating me, and even if I don't understand all the things happening in my live, I must believe that they are for my good.  It is good that my relationship with my husband struggles; it makes me more thankful for the quiet times.  It's good that I am married to an alcoholic; it brings me closer to faith in God.  But I continue to pray for guidance on when the tie must be cut.  When it's time to let go of him and let him try to fly on his own.  I know I can become what I believe and not worry about what he believes of me, but my children are much more impressionable.

On this Thanksgiving Eve, I want to continue to remember that I believe in faith, family and friends--in that order--and that I must nuture them in God's love, wisdom and understanding.

Strength

I've found strength comes from believing you are a gift from God. 

So this is it

How does hearing what someone says about you turn into believing what someone says about you?  When does believing what someone says about you stop and becoming what they say begin?  It seems like a blur of hurt, anguish and fear.  Anxiety over when you'll be home or what mood you'll be in when you get here.  Dread of the look in your eye that tells me you've been over-served again. The blood in your veins is boiling over something that makes no sense.  I can't listen or I will hurt, but I can't shut you out because you won't let me.  Do you know, that while you rant, I stop listening and start to wonder what demon has taken over your soul.  Can it see my soul?  Is that why it hates me so?  I pray for you.  I pray for us.  I pray that our children never fight this demon, but also get gut-wrenchingly sick knowing that it will probably happen.  Can I do something to change it?  Can I walk away?  Can you pick up the pieces of your broken soul, humble yourself before the Lord and realize that you need help?