Missing In Action

I didn't realize it's been almost a year since I'm written a blog post!  I didn't intend to be away so long.  I wish I had kept up writing to go back and realize the journey I've been on the last year.  What a difference it has made!

The Beast (which I am now choosing a new name for.  Let's call him Husband) has not quit drinking.  He's is less attached, for sure.  But, honestly, I'm not all that concerned about him anymore.  I spent the last 6 months focusing on getting myself healthy, and in the process, he has gotten healthy as well.  He's like a changed person.  Supportive of my well being and when he does choose to drink, not disruptive of the family life anymore.  Drunkeness is few and far between.  My ground rule is he won't wake me or the kids and he will be sober enough to take care of them in the morning.  By some miracle, it's been working.

So I said I've been working on my health...that's an understatement!  I'm a brand new person!  I changed my way of eating to get rid of refined sugars, increase healthy fats and decrease toxins (organic and non-GMO products) and it's been a Godsend!  My mood has changed and so has my body! My energy is increased, allowing me to exercise more.  I've lost 43lbs (and counting) and I've gone down 4 pants sizes!  AND I FEEL GREAT!  I'm very excited about this change and can't wait to share more about how this works for me.  But, until next time :)

Friend in Trouble

I have a friend that's in some real trouble and my first reaction is to help her!  Her husband is a JERK and very emotionally abusive to her.  She works full time and has a 5 year old, 17 month old and 6 month old at home.  Her husband does not work.  He stays home with the kids during the day.  That sounds so great from the outside, but when he's home, he doesn't do sh*t!  My friend has to do all the cleaning, laundry and general housekeeping...after work!  Plus, when she gets home, he leaves for his "job."  He plays poker.  Yep, he's got a gambling addiction.  He says it's his job because he brings home money, but I just can't see how someone can be so lucky!  I don't trust him at all and think that he may have some debts out there she doesn't know about.  He runs with the wrong crowd and has been picked up for possession of marijuana.  One of his best friends is a well known drug dealer in the area.  This guy is BAD NEWS!

He told her today he wants a divorce.  He cut her down, verbally ripping her to shreds.  She's had a very rough life.  She was sexual and physically abused by her mother's husband and her father committed suicide when she was 12.  She lived in foster care most of her life.  All I could do was listen, understand where she's coming from (he's an awful lot like the Beast, but he even makes Beast look tame sometimes!).  I told her I've really enjoyed Al-Anon and even though he doesn't drink, he's got an addiction.  (In our town, many Al-Anon groups also have members that could be involved in other types of addiction groups, they just aren't as available).

I recommended two resources to her.  One is a crisis line that I've used many times; and the other was the number for the local woman's shelter.  She said she thought the shelter was for women who were abused.  DUH!!!  I told her the way her husband is talking to her and treating her is emotional abuse!!  NO ONE should be told that they never should have been a mother!  Ugh!  So mad at him right now!

What else can I do?  I know she's got to heal for herself, but I want it so bad for her.  I'll pray, but anyone have any other suggestions on what I can say or do to try to get her to see that his wanting to leave is a blessing in disguise?

Long Time No Blog

It's been awhile!  I took some vacation at work and took my 3 kiddos to visit my dad and step mother.  We had a great time.  We left Beast behind, which helped make the trip more enjoyable.  He doesn't particularily like to spend that much time with my family and gets very edgy.  It raises my stress level tremendously when he's there, so I was grateful to have that time away.

So far, the Beast has been dry since my last post.  A part of me doesn't believe him, but I can't feel that way.  He has been continuously attending AA meetings; even going multiple times in a week.  He also has no disagreement with me attending Al-Anon.  I've been here before, so I will continue to work on me and my serenity and remember that I have no control over what he will or won't do.

I've recently started Weight Watchers back up.  I tend to get in slumps where all I want to do is eat crap food.  I know it has everything to do with comfort food.  My comfort food happens to be chocolate bars and potato chips!  So horribly unhealthy for me in so many ways!  I've also been walking for 30 minutes on my lunch break.  It's unbelievable how much that changes my afternoons!  It's still really cold here, so we go to our local mall and walk circles in there.  I can't wait for the spring weather.  There's just something about the fresh air and the exercise that gives me such a natural high.

I attended my Al-Anon meeting last night and the topic was Tradition 2.  Sometimes I dislike the tradition nights, mostly because they seem beyond me somehow.  Last night was great!  Awesome conversations on how our higher powers have been working in our lives and through the group.  My take away on the tradition revolves around no one in the group having authority over another.  I really like that we're all on the same playing field.  No one tells another what to do or how to do anything.  It's just an excepting group.  It's the one place I feel I can truly be myself and say what I think.  They can take what they like and leave the rest...

More peaceful

I have become more peaceful in the passing days.  The Beast met with our pastor and went to AA.  He seemed to be more at peace as well.  He told me he knows he has a problem and he must do something about it.  He realized he was in denial.  His meeting topic happened to be denial, and it really hit home for him.  I will continue to pray and turn it over to God, as I have no control over the situation.

Round 3...fight!

I don't know what's worse, things going well and waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when it actually drops.  I'm torn, in turmoil, physically and emotionally sick.  I'm not healthy, and I don't like it. 

I set a new boundary with the beast.  He cannot come home in the middle of the night if he's wasted.  I'm tired of the disruption of my sleep, the kids sleep, the verbal abuse and the all around inappropriate behavior of his drunken tirads in the middle of the night.  So, he went out for "a" beer last night, and didn't come home.  I woke up at 4:00am, and still had a hard time getting to sleep.  So, sleep disruption for me will happen whether he comes home or doesn't, I guess.  It was hard to not worry, or wonder where he's at.  But, at least he wasn't there waking up the kids or telling me how stupid I am and how I could do so much better at being a mother and wife.

Anyway, he came home at 7:30am.  I had to be at work at 8 (15 minute drive).  He seemed to have slept it off, so I left.  The kids still needed to catch the bus and my little guy needed to get to day care.  I left that to him.  Well, I started to get a bad feeling on my way to work, so I tried calling.  Over and over I called with no answer.  My 9 year old daughter finally answered at about 8:00, when I actually arrived at work.  I asked if Daddy was getting everyone ready for the bus.  Nope!  He was sleeping like a rock.  My daughter tried to wake him, but he wouldn't wake.  They had even put ice packs on him, and all he did is swing out at them.  So, I walked her through what to do to get the boys ready for the day.  At 9, she changed her 2 year old brother's diaper, got clothes out of their drawers and closets for them, made sure my 4 year old had his stuff for school and got coat, hat, mittens and shoes on/ready.  She said she wasn't feeling well, and I told her I'd call her into school.  The last thing I wanted was for her to get on the bus and leave the 2 year old to roam free.  It makes me sick thinking about it.

I attempted to call his parents (who are retired) to come and see if they could wake the Beast or at least get my daughter to school and my little guy to daycare.  No answer.  I walked into my work meeting about 5 minutes late, leaving my 9 year old the assurance that I would call in an hour and that she just needed to get my 4 year old on the bus and watch the 2 year old.  Then I would call back.

I did just that.  The Beast still couldn't be raised.  So, I made arrangements at work to leave and get the kids taken care of.  I got home the same time my MIL and FIL showed up.  They got my messages and came right over.  Well, since I had it under control, I took over to get the kids out the door.  As my lovely MIL was standing in the kitchen, she said, "I'd be depressed too if my house was this messy."  Why does she feel the need to do that?  My house isn't that terrible anyway.  Who is she to judge what it's like to work full time, raise three children and be mom and dad at the same time?  Just because her husband was a drinker when she had kids at home, our situation is NOT the same.  I'd say it got worse in a generation.  Her husband worked two jobs, while continuing to drink.  She only worked 2 days a week, as a teacher.  She had alot more time on her hands to be a homemaker.  I understand that it still hurt to have him gone all the time, but don't try to make it my fault that he's out wandering around getting drunk all the time.  Just like you couldn't do anything about your husband drinking (I bet you always had a clean house and food on the table at just the right time), I too can't do anything about my husband drinking.  Why make it worse by saying hurtful things?

But I digress.  I really did get upset, then cooled off with my tools I've learned from Al-Anon.  I cannot change how she reacts and what she thinks of me.  I can only change my behavior and how I react to what she says.  And I chose not to react.  I ignored her comment and went on with getting the kids out the door.  Then, she made other comments that I'm trying to forget.  "It would only take me an hour to get this area picked up and looking better." "I had a rule at my house.  No one got to do anything until the house was clean on Saturday."  "How long has this basket of clothes been sitting here?"  Really?  My husband, YOUR SON, didn't come home last night, is in a drunken stupor upstairs, continues to drink and act inappropriately, and you're worried about my housekeeping skills?!?!  It was all I could do to breathe...

And the story gets better.  I took a break from writing this and in the mean time, took another phone call from my MIL.  Why did I answer?  I'm not sure but I felt compelled to.  Besides, I really had cooled off.  Well, I called our pastor because I feel that the Beast needs a little push in the God department.  The church we attend is strongly against divorce, but I let Pastor know I was at the end of my rope.  I can't keep up this chaos with no end in sight.  He agreed to talk to the Beast.  My MIL knew this before calling me later.  She said that she's concerned with the Beast talking to the Pastor.  The last time we had a meeting with the pastor about our marital problems, the pastor mostly sided with me.  He really focused on Matt being a better husband and father.  I felt rightfully so.  We talked about things that I could improve as well, but, I'm sorry, the beast has some major issues!!  Anyway, he left that conversation and felt that the pastor was against him and was wrong in what he was saying.  I couldn't win.  So, I've been hesitant to talk to him again about the escalating alcohol problem in my house.  My MIL is concerned that the beast should have someone "that's on his side" when talking to the pastor.  She doesn't want it to be all about how he is a bad father and husband.  There are things that we both need to do better, so it shouldn't just be about the beast getting better.  Really?  She calls to tell me she wants to be with her dearly beloved son while the pastor speaks to him about his problem with alcohol and how he is no filling his duties as a husband and father just so pastor can't make him feel too badly about it?  So she can stick up for him or something?  I told her to be my guest!  If the beast would allow it, I'd love for her to be there!  I'm trying not to think about how justified I would be after that meeting to walk away from the marriage.  I imagine Pastor would leave and wonder how I've been able to stand this chaos and bad mouthing for so long?  My in-laws claim to be these top-notch Christians, but they are so rude and self centered!  I know, we all have sins and none of us are perfect, but I don't go around pointing out those faults to people all the time. 

I'm just at an emotional draining point.  I don't know where this is going to go or what I'm going to do.  I'm feeling all these emotions at once!  ANGER at my MIL for thinking she needs someone to blame for her son's behavior besides her son, SAD that I'm here again, just when I thought things were getting better, ASHAMED that I can't get my life straightened out, DEFEATED because I don't see and end, UNHAPPY because the beast is angry about my reaction today, actually angry at me and blaming me for him drinking last night "because I was already in bed", ANXIOUS of the outcome, TERRIFIED for my children and what this chaos is doing to them.

I give up for now.  I'm going to go to my meeting and see what comes.  I usually feel better and get good information there.  I think I need to get back to yoga practice as well, for some PEACE!

The Tsunami

A very wise woman in my group said last night, "Alcoholism is like a tsunami.  It leaves debris everywhere, even in places we don't know about.  Then, when we least expect it, we find that debris we didn't know was there and have to figure out how to deal with it."  WOW!  Well said my dear friend.  I hope you like that tidbit as well. 

My tsunami came in last night...again. At least I don't have to wait anymore for the shoe to drop...it went ahead and dropped.  The Beast went out and got nice and smashed last night.  He hasn't attended meetings like I've asked.  He was a total ass again. 

I will say that some things improved-with me.  I wasn't having any of his personal shots at me in the middle of the night.  I told him he was rude, disrespectful and didn't deserve an answer to any questions he was asking.  I've never had him agree.  Usually he continues, but he actually agreed last night!  I was a little confused but felt a small personal victory.  Here's how it went:

I was sleeping peacefully when my bedroom lights shot on about 1am.  I complained to have the lights back off.  He didn't comply.  The Beast then sat down on the bed next to me and asked, "Is it okay if I call you a retard?"  I ignored him.  He persisted and demanded an answer.  I sat up, told him he was rude and disrespectful by coming home, turning on the lights and speaking disrespectfully to me.  He agreed.  After about 5 minutes, he must have forgotten because he started in again.  Honestly, I remember the feelings I had as he talked, but I kept telling myself that it was the alcohol talking and I didn't have to believe anything he said.  I know he was speaking poorly about me or about something that I do, but I chose to block it out.  He tried to engage me in his chaos and I choose not to participate, which made him angrier.  I repeated my mantra to him again.  He's rude, disrespectful and unnecessarily disrupting my night of sleep.  He agreed, and went to bed.  The incident was much shorter than usual so I was able to get back to sleep fairly normally and it didn't drag into hours of complete disregard for me, my space and my feelings.

That being said, I'm still PISSED!  How dare he bring that chaos back after he promised not to!  How dare he not get HELP when he admits he has a problem!  How dare he speak so callously to me!!  I was feeling pretty good last night after my meeting.  It went well, good conversation, good talk about detachment and forgiveness.  And then the anger boils.  Can I forgive and keep forgiving?  Can I detach WITH LOVE?  I'd rather just kick him out on his ass and make him try to figure out how to function without me. 

I think I have to make it more uncomfortable for him.  I've been carrying a large weight of responsibility when it comes to the household.  Not anymore.  He's got it too good now.  Will my unwillingness to carry the burden lead him to drink more?  Maybe.  But he drinks heavily when I do have most of the responsibilities.  He makes his own choices, right?  Or, should I be more compassionate to the man and more angry at the disease?  It's hard for me to tell where one stops and the other starts lately.  Bummer.

Just writting has lifted some of the tightness in my chest and stomach I was feeling this morning.  Thanks for listening!

Still not well

Sometimes I think things are going so well that I've been healed! Alleluhia!  And then I'm reminded of my controlling nature.

We had parent/teacher conferences tonight for our 9 year old and 4 year old.  I left work early and began trying to reach the Beast on his cell.  I called multiple times between the times of 4:30 and 5:10pm.  No answer.  So, what's my first expectation?  He's at the bar.  So, I drive by.  I rationalize that it's on the way.  (It sort of is.  It's a few blocks out of the way, but still going the same direction I need to go.  If I wasn't looking for him, I would have no need to take that street.)  He wasn't there, so then I wondered if he decided to go out of his norm and go to a bar he hasn't been to in awhile.  I call again.  No answer.

So, I go to the appointments alone.  It doesn't make me happy.  I'm thinking about all the irresponsible things he's done and how could he miss parent/teacher conferences?  They're his kids too!!

When the conferences are done, I call again with no answer.  I call my in-laws (where my children are) and the Beast answers.  He wants to know where I've been.  I answer (sounding a little appalled that he even asked).  We make small talk and he says he was still working.  He snow plows and we received a few inches overnight, so this may be the truth, but I have doubts.  He's friendly, though and we make plans for supper and split duties. 

Once home, he takes over supper.  He's polite, not hostile with the kids or with me.  Now I know he hasn't been drinking.  I feel safe again.  Truly, when I drove up to the bar and looked toward his parking space (he always parks in back in the alley so he's not on the street), I was conscious of my heart beating in my chest.  I'm sure it was beating faster, and my breath was coming more rapid.

Once again, I have to repeat to myself, "I have no control over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable."  We'll get there!

Civil Peace

I'm alive!  It's been so long since I've blogged, I had to go back and see what I posted last!  Well, there has been a bit of peace around my house lately.  The Beast has been drinking minimally (I know, not what I was hoping, but it's a start...and I have no control over alcohol!!), he has been more involved in the family and more appreciative of me. 

Yes, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  In a recent Al-Anon meeting I attended, we discussed the other shoe dropping.  We've talked about this topic before and how it seems to be inherent in us to wait for the worst to happen.  The topic the other day was actually about what to do when it actually does drop.  A new perspective, because sometimes it really does happen.  But we survive, don't we?  As a lessen that day, I took away a few good ideas on how to cope when the shoe drops, and also that there isn't anything worrying can do to prevent the shoe from dropping...so why bother?  I'm trying to live by that and change the way I think, but it is a long process.  I have been thinking about worst case scenarios all my life!  Everything from what I would do if my kids were kidnapped to what I would do if I got in a car accident on the way to work.  Just this morning, I said a prayer to God asking for him to always watch over my family, and if it's his will that I die on the way to work, to be sure my children stay in his care.  Morbid, I know.  But that's just the way I think!  What's funny is that even though it sounds morbid, I had peace thinking about it and praying about it.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to control God's will in my life.  No sense in trying to worry about it.  Now my worry turns to others, but I'm still trying on that front as well.

So, back to this peace we've been having in our household.  It's great!  I've been praising the Beast on his kind words and helpful attitude.  You know the idea, "praise good behavior and you'll get less bad behavior."  So far so good.  He had a really bad moment last week and I was convinced he was going to go out and get wasted.  He verbalized my fears when he told me that's what he wanted to do.  I told him I couldn't stop him, but maybe he could take a time out away from the family upstairs and browse the internet (one of his favorite hobbies) or go to the shop and putz on his projects.  I told him I'd take care of the kids and it wasn't a problem.  He ended up taking my suggestion and didn't go out for a drink at all.  Wow!  I stayed calm, I didn't yell, scream or beg.  I didn't tell him how much of a bad idea I though drinking was.  I just gave him some other suggestions and he could take or leave them.  I've been finding that holding my tongue in many situations has been extremely helpful.

I'm leading my Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night and have decided the topic will be forgiveness.  I think sometimes, even when things are going good with our alcoholics, we have a hard time forgiving the past grievences and holding a grudge.  I think this also goes along with the other shoe dropping.  Because we hold onto the past behavior and it's always boiling at the edge, we keep ourselves sick.  Isn't that why we're in Al-Anon?  To realize that we are also sick and need to change our thinking process and our behavior?  Anyway, I hope it goes well.  I have a nice reading from the book "How Al-Anon Works."  If any of you have the book and would like to read the portion I will focus on tomorrow in honor of me leading a meeting...it's Chapter 11 Detachment, Love and Forgiveness.  Happy reading!!

The Mother-in-Law

Just venting for a moment on my lovely (sarcastic!) Mother-in-Law.  She's truly lovely in many ways, but she can be so nasty in others.  She called me today because my father-in-law was mad and couldn't find my husband.  The Beast was to be working on a project for them yesterday and today.  Well, yesterday he was a pile of p**p so did not get anything on their project done.  Dear mother-in-law wanted to know what Beast did yesterday.  I said, "nothing," which is completely true.  She wanted to know why.  I told her to talk to him, not me.  Then she asked me the question she already knew the answer to; "he was out drinking the night before, wasn't he?"

I'm not lieing for him any more.  "Yes, he was out drinking and he was very ill yesterday."  What else could I say?  She sighed in frustration.  I felt the tension creeping up my neck.  I've been here before and she's blamed me before.  I held my breath.  "Why does he keep doing that?  How often is he drinking again?"  I tell her he has a drinking problem (as I've said before and she's denied).  I asked her to pray for him and that I'm praying and the kids are praying.  She was shocked that I said the kids were praying for him.  I think she was shocked that I shared their father's struggle with them.  Does she think they're blind?!?!

And then I jumped in head first.  I told her that I have asked Beast to get help or I can't live in the same house as him anymore.  She said, and I quote, "It's not just him!  You've both done a number on those kids!"  Yep, we've both fucked up our kids, your grandkids.  So glad you think their messed up, because I personally think they are really good kids.  They're smart, they're funny and they're well liked at school and by caregivers.  So, I asked her what she meant by that.  She said with me leaving and him drinking, we've both been hard on the kids.  With me leaving?!?!  Really? 

So I got defensive.  I told her what he did.  I told her about peeing all over the floor and walls.  I told her about telling my daughter to "shut her vagina."  For the first time, I don't think she knew what to say.  But, then I began to regret saying it, because she'll go to the Beast and get angry at him for it.  Then, he'll get angry at me for telling it.  BUT, if he does, doesn't that say he's not taking responsibility?  He should look his mom in the eye and say, "Mom, I have a drinking problem that I want to fix.  My behavior has been completely inappropriate."  But I'm not sure he can.  I pray that he does.  That will be true commitment to quit this insane behavior.  It will be difficult if I have to seperate from him, because the monster-in-law will make my life miserable.  But I won't let that faulter my decision if he cannot change his behavior. 

Now, back to the serenity I'm striving for in my every day.  I can't control what she thinks or how she feels.  I can, however, control how I react.  Today, I will vent on my blog, but I will not vent to my husband.  I will be peaceful and pleasant to my mother-in-law, and let me husband speak and act for himself. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference!  Amen

Culmination

cul·mi·na·tion/ˌkəlməˈnāSHən/

• The highest or climactic point of something, esp. as attained after a long time.

The Beast tied one on real hard last night.  He is escalating.  He gets drunk about the same, but the drunkeness seems to be much worse.  Last night he came to our upstairs bathroom and peed on the floor and wall.  At least it was the bathroom.  I didn't clean it up.  I left it for him.  He woke our 9 year old daughter up with his loud, drunken non-sensical talking.  She knocked on our door to ask her daddy to be quiet, and he yelled, "Shut your vagina!"  Classy.  Unacceptable!!

Of course today he's remorseful.  He's ill.  He wanted me to stay home today because he tends to panic when he feels this badly after a night of drinking.  I refused.  He keeps calling me and I have told him to stop.  He interrupted my sleep and now he wished to interrupt my day.

I gave him an ultimatum.  Well, not really.  It his choice.  If he would like to stay married and have a family, then he MUST attend AA at least once a week.  If he'd rather drink, then he can move out.  If he skips meetings 2 weeks in a row, he's out.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  I know he will have slip ups, but if he continues to go to meetings (my ultimate goal is some therapy for him), then I will continue to support and love him.  If he cannot attend the meetings either because he doesn't wish to or because he continues to slip up, or for any other reason besides death, I won't accept that.  Again, he can do what he wishes, but I can't support him if he's not currently ready to get sober.  I WILL NOT have my children exposed to this any longer. 

I talked to the kids about daddy being sick.  I tried to explain that his body needs a drink alcohol and so it's a sickness, just like a cold.  We can pray, but unless daddy goes to a doctor (I wasn't going to get into therapy or group meetings.  Dr. was easier!), then he can't get better.  We can pray for him and ask him to get healthy, but he has to decide to get help on his own.  We can't make him. We can only pray and turn it over to God for his hand and guidance.  I pray God here's the kids prayers for healing and I pray Beast knows that we love him, even if we end up making him leave.

I also pray for strength to follow through.  I've threatened to kick him out or leave before.  I left for a short time once, but never followed through with any threat.  It feels different this time because of my help in al-anon and because of this blog.  I have had healing just knowing others are going through some of the same things.  It validates that I'm not crazy (because it really was in questions before!)

Well, Beast has taken up enough of my time today.  I promise my next blog will focus more on me

The addiction unfolds (Part II)

This is a follow up to my post regarding my secret addiction to pulling my hair.  I last left off about attending meetings with others diagnosed with Alopecia.  I wonder now if there were others there like me that were secretly pulling it out, rather than helplessly watching it fall out.

Well, I stopped attending the meetings at some point; I really don't remember when.  What I do remember is what it was like to wear a wig in middle school.  First of all, they didn't make wigs for kids at that time.  I had to by a petite woman's wig, and sometimes have it sown a bit to fit.  But, that wasn't the worst part.  I had extremely fine hair as a child.  I remember barretts would just slide out of my hair when I was little.  Because the wigs were adult, and it was the 80's when big hair was the in style, I was stuck with big hair (see photo above!).  I looked ridiculous with all that hair!  Boy cuts weren't popular either, so I couldn't even get a short one!  I was teased relentlously.  I even had one girl try to pull my wig off on the playground at recess in front of everyone.  BUT, this is not all bad.  I met my very best friend (to this day!) in the 6th grade.  I gained a large group of very supportive friends. I remember my later years of middle school fondly.

I think because of the friendships I formed, I was less stressed and I pulled my hair much less.  My hair began to grow out and I stopped wearing a wig in 7th grade.  It wouldn't be until just after my 2nd year in college that my pulling would resume in full force.

I got a really steady boyfriend my freshman year in college.  He lived about 8 hours from me and we saw eachother as much as we could.  I was sure this was who I was going to marry, and he felt the same way.  The 2nd year of college, things started to change. He was older than me and started hanging out and going to the bar instead of staying home to talk to me.  And of course I did the best possible thing, I got jealous.  I questioned him about who he was with, I became moody and angry alot.  I even met him with some friends in the summer to go river tubing and I was a complete b*tch.  I didn't know these people and I was jealous of how well they knew him.  My pulling started to get bad again.  I started wearing hats and scarves to cover a bald spot on the back of my head.

Of course, you can guess what happened next, he broke it off. I was devasted, but looking back, I know God was gently showing me the right way. It just really sucked at the time.  I went into a deep depression, and started seeing a therapist. I never said a word the first visit.  I couldn't do anything but shake my head because I was crying so much. I called in sick to work.  I stayed in bed for days.  BUT, in my second session, I admitted that I pulled my hair.  I came clean to my parents as well.  I talked to a few friends.  I felt better. 

And then came the prescription drugs.  The pyschologist said I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder and put me on a strong medication.  By this time I was back to school for my junior year.  The medicine made me feel awful.  First, I felt totally brainless.  I was in a cloud.  Then, I couldn't stop crying.  My depression got worse.  My mom's a nurse and so she encouraged me to call my Dr. because this wasn't normal.  I called, crying my eyes out, asking to get something different.  He said that I hadn't been taking it long enough to know what I was experiencing was from the drug. I was hysterical.  I yelled on the phone, I cried some more.  I said I was missing classess and I was concerned I would fail.  He still refused to take me off because he was sure it wasn't the medicine. My mom was pissed.  With her help, I went off anyway and switched pyschologists.  Thank God for my mom, because I'm not sure I would have done it without her.  This was the first time I would learn how sensitive I am to medications--even over-the-counter!

It's now been months, I am now balding, and I'm starting to pull my eyelashes and eyebrows as well.  Therapy and medications make me feel better inside, but I can't quite quit pulling my hair.  Then, I rekindle an old flame, meet some new friends, move out of my mom's house and have an all out great time the middle of my junior year.  I partied A LOT.  We had parties at our place, we went to parties, we went to clubs.  I had my first experience with marijuana (yes, I inhaled!).  My hair pulling stays, but not as much.  And about this time is when I meet The Beast.

I Have a Secret (Part I)

Yep, you read that right.  I have a secret.  What is it?  Well, I'm going to blog about it, and then it won't be a secret anymore. 

I'm addicted to pulling my hair out.  I have been since I was 9 years old.  Very few people know this about me.  I want you to understand that I have been doing this to myself for 26 years.  More and more lately, I find myself relating to those that I know with an alcohol or drug addiction.  It's like a light bulb went off and I said "Ah ha! I understand now!" 

This may be a multiple post, we'll see how this goes.  I'll start from the begining.

My parents divorced when I was 8.  My mom, brother and I moved from a city in Iowa to my mom's hometown in Wisconsin in the middle of my 2nd grade year.  I remember asking to go to the bathroom a lot, just so I could cry and no one could see me.  I had been "popular" in my old school, and now I was picked on and not as accepted.  It was about a year later that I started pulling my hair.  I don't remember the first pull.  To be honest, I couldn't pin point being concious about doing it at all.  The first memory I have of pulling my hair is in my classroom in 3rd grade.  We were taking some sort of test and I was pulling the hair on the top of my head out and throwing it on the floor.  I wouldn't say it was pulling as much as it was ripping.  It didn't have purpose or meaning, I just needed to rip it out.  Looking back, I imagine it was like punching a punching bag when you're stressed out.  Punch it!  Sweat!  Pain!  Except mine was, rip it! Throw it!  Pain!

By the end of 3rd grade, I had a small, half dollar size bald spot on the back of my head.  In the summer, I wore hats and scarves to cover it.  All the while my parents fretted about what was wrong.  I couldn't tell them.  They made an appointment for a dermatologist.  I remember that appointment.  By the time I went, the bald spot was the whole top of my head.  I was worried about what was wrong with me. I really didn't realize that I had pulled all of that hair out myself.  In my immature brain, I really didn't have words for, nor understand what I was going through.  I just know that I knew I pulled "some" hair, I just didn't think I could possibly have pulled it all.

So, the doctor comes in and looks at my head.  He's poking and examining.  Then, he must have asked my mom if he could consult other doctors.  Soon, I literally had 4-5 doctors in the room, all looking at my head.  Touching it, poking it, pinching it.  They asked if they could take some hairs for samples, so they did.  We waited as they left the room to look at the hair under a microscope.  When they came back, they said their were signs of some of the hair being broken off, and some that naturally fell out.  He asked me if I pulled my hair.  I shook my head no, very vigerously.  "Well," he said, "it could be that it's irritated so you're rubbing it on your pillow at night or scratching it and it's breaking off."  Dumb, dumb, dumb!  I wish, to this day, I had shook my head "yes."  They didn't know much about what I had then.  They diagnosed me with Alopecia Areata and sent me home with some pamphlets.

My dad became a research buff and subscribed to a newletter for Alopecia patients.  I went to group therapy sessions, where, at 10 years old, I was the youngest.  I was now wearing a wig to cover my baldness.  I eventually became completely bald.  I started to believe that I had the same thing all the other people in my group had.  "I wasn't pulling my hair!  My skin was irritated and I was itching it!  The doctor told me and doctors are never wrong...right?"  I remember one young lady that I wanted to be like that was in my group.  Her name was Patty, and I'll never forget her.  She was a college student at the time and she didn't wear a wig, a scarf or a hat!  And she was completely bald!  I wished I had her confidence.  I remember thinking she was so beautiful.  She had this shiny head, and big, beautiful eyes.  She drew in her eye brows because she didn't have any of those either, but she was gorgeous.  A lot of us asked her how she did it.  How did she walk out her door and face the world with no hair?  I don't remember her exact words, but it was something like, "I know who I am and I believe I'm beautiful.  God made me this way, and I have no need to hide it.  If others want to gawk and stare, let them.  If they want to judge, let them.  I know who I am and if they don't want to know me, then I don't need their opinions."  But she wasn't rude about it.  She was very graceful.  I wanted to be her more than anything.

Change?

I haven't blogged for awhile, so I'm not sure if that means I'll have alot to say, or nothing at all to say!  Christmas went well.  It was probably one of the most relaxing Christmas' I've had in a long time!  The Beast didn't get drunk once, at least not until the day after Christmas, but I think that's why it was such a good holiday.  He was polite and considerate and didn't complain when we were at my family's house.  He usually hates going to my mom's house, but I was ready to leave and he wasn't!  We stayed all afternoon into the evening--so nice!  He didn't have harsh words for me or critisize me for how I handle the kids or anything!  It was like I had a new husband!  I did my best to thank him and encourage him.  I wanted him to know how much I appreciated his kindness and willingness to spend time with my family for Christmas.  He seemed truly happy with this.  Amazing feeling....I feel like we're getting somewhere.

It's been really busy at work and at home, so since Christmas, we've been passing ships in the night.  He has still been drinking, but not falling down drunk at all this week (I know, he's still drinking, but anytime he's not smashed is an accomplishment.  He's a very nasty drunk).  I had a retirment party for a previous co-worker that I attended and this usually calls for arguments and sometimes even forbidding me to go.  But, I went, he stayed with the kids and I had a great time.  No guilt trip when I got back.  No harsh words when I came home 20 minutes after I said I would.  He left right away to go to "the shop," which is code word for "I'll end up at the bar or a buddy's house drinking." I let him go without complaints as well.  He was home by 11ish, so not late either!  Friendly this morning!  Not really sure what's going on.  I've been continuing to attend Al-Anon and using my steps.  I really have been focusing on Step 1: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol-my life has become unmanageable.  I know I can't take all the credit, but I do feel that my focus and change of attitude toward his drinking has at least been noticed.

Now to New Year's Eve.  Grandma is taking our children overnight, so we have the night to ourselves.  I'm excited and filled with dread at the same time.  We have no current plans.  I'd like to plan a cozy night at home, or find some non-alcoholic even we can attend, but I have a feeling he's going to want to live it up.  Do I go with?  If I go, am I giving the impression that I am okay with him drinking?  Will it be acceptable for me to have a glass of wine?  I'll have to pray about it and do what I feel is best.

Christmas time is here

I know Christmas is here because I don't remember what happened this week.  I just know it's been lots of hustle and bustle.  I don't remember even sitting down last night until 9:30, and then I wrote out notes to all my kids' teachers!  I'm pretty sure I'm sleep deprived as well, but I really can't wait to give out gifts!  I love gift giving!  Sometimes I wish I had more money so I could get everyone everything they wanted on their list.  Then I remember that it's not about "things" at Christmas.  It's about the ultimate gift given to us: the Christ child was born! 

He almost pissed on my dresser

Yep.  You read that right.  He got hammered last night, got up at 4am to use the toilet and almost used my dresser instead. If he hadn't made such a production getting out of bed, I wouldn't have rolled over to see what he was doing and yelled at him to stop.  After I stopped him, I wish I hadn't.  I wanted him to feel the effects of his drinking.  He appears to be getting worse.  He drinks more, gets drunk more and blacks out almost everytime he's drunk.  When I told him what happened last night, he laughed!  He laughed like he did something stupid at a frat party the night before!  I told him I was embarrased and upset at his behavior and I didn't think it was funny.

What I did think was funny, is that he turned into Prince Charming today. Sometimes I think I'm married to Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.  I'm trying to remember it's a disease.

Irony

Had a great meeting last night.  Laughed until I cried then cried until I laughed.  I love meetings like that.  It's so refreshing to go to Al-Anon and finally feel a connection with other people.  The Beast doesn't support me going because he doesn't have a problem, of course.  But I've commited to getting a sitter for the kids so I can go and not have to rely on his mood if he'll stay with the kids or not. 

So what's so ironic?  The Beast was so very tired that he did nothing but sit on the couch while I cleaned before the meeting.  Then, when I called him after the meeting to see if he wanted to ride with me to get the kids (about 1/2 hour each way), he was at the bar.  Ha!  I was at Al-Anon and he was at the bar!  And he doesn't have a problem?!?  BUT, last nights topic was letting go, and I'm going to practice that today.  I'm also working on step 1.  I thought I had that one down, but I still catch myself wanting to control the alcohol.  I like the mantra "I didn't cause it.  I can't control it. I can't cure it."  I am going to use that this week as I deal with not only my husband, but any others I feel I need to control or feel responsible for.

The Conversation

I had a good conversation with The Beast last night.  I really talked lovingly and from the heart what I was concerned about.  He's continued to adamently deny he has a drinking problem.  Instead of pointing fingers and blaming, I asked him some pointed questions.  "What did you feel like when you left here for one drink?"  "Did you really believe in your heart you were only going to have one?" "Please think deeply about your motives."  And so on.  It's easier to talk to him this way after he has a night of binging.  I always thought it odd how closely an alcoholic relationship mirrors a domestic abuse relationship.  The Beast is always loving, apologetic, extra sensitive to my needs, promising not to do it again the night after a bender.  I've even gotten flowers at work before.  I had to lie about why I got them.  I said he was just surprising me.  I couldn't face my co-workers if I said, "Well, he went out last night, got smashed, said some really nasty things to me, and this is his way of apologizing."  Maybe if I had, I'd find others fighting this fight.

Anyway, back to how The Beast took my questions.  He took them well!  He seemed reflective!  He didn't drink yesterday.  I can't speak to whether he didn't smoke weed, but he didn't drink.  Today will be the true test.  He was in a good mood this morning.  Even apologized to me for not getting up again to help get everyone ready in the morning.  (He rarely gets up before I leave.  Sometimes he'll stay in bed long past 9:00 in the morning.  He's self employed so he seems to think he's got that luxury.  If he had to punch a clock, I'm convinced he never would make it.  Another side effect of his drinking patterns.  He doesn't see it that way though.  He thinks he sleeps in because he can't get to sleep at night and doesn't get good sleep.  That may be true, because I have many days like that, but I still get up and put my responsible pants on.)  I have my Al-Anon meeting tonight.  Definately looking forward to it.  It's like coming home :-)

Confusion

It seems to me that I've been in a stage of confusion lately.  Is he an alcoholic or isn't he?  Am I just being selfish? Am I making things up that aren't there?  If he's not drunk everyday, should I just ignore it?  He drinks once a day and smokes weed close to that--that's not normal, is it?  If I ask him to not leave, he says he needs to and will be out for just "one."  Rarely is it one and he's never stayed home instead.  He used to very involved in church, but lately he doesn't seem to want to participate much at all.  Today we fought about going to Bible Study.  I told him that it's not a good example for his children to have us go while he stays in bed.  I've discovered the hard way that he disagrees. 

I don't really know what to think anymore.  I just know that it doesn't feel right.  It doesn't feel right. 

Beautiful Day

I feel a beautiful day ahead of me today! I slept well last night.  Amazing what that can do for the spirit.  I also did some Christmas decorating and a little house work.  When I get in funks, I neglect housework, so getting some done felt good.  I'm not really in a funk, it's just so busy with working full time, taking care of 3 kids mostly by myself because my husband (I'm going to call him The Beast from now on) leaves to drink just after supper.  I've got bath, jammie, homework, bedtime books, prayers and lights out all to my own.  Even if he's home, he sits on the couch as if the rest of us aren't there.  BUT...today is a beautiful day.  I'm going to enjoy the milestone I passed at my Weight Watchers weigh in this morning (9.8 lbs lost in 3 weeks!!) and smile

Twelfth Step

I went to my Al-Anon meeting last night!  It felt like going home.  Such a huge release seeing people I haven't seen for awhile.  Lots of "glad you're backs" made me feel good.  So glad to be back myself.

Our topic last night was the twelfth step.  So, a spiritual awakening?  Well, I would say the last year has been a spiritual awakening for me.  A year ago in October, I became very ill.  It started one day when I was working out at my local Curves.  I got very short of breath and light-headed.  Then my heart started racing and pain was shooting through my left chest and arm.  I thought for sure I was having a heart attack at 33.  I went to the clinic where they plugged me in to a bunch of machines and decided my heart was just fine.  They took blood and decided I was fighting Pleurisy.  I also have been prone to panic attacks and was concerned that I was panicking at this time as well.  I was able to get a little medication to help that along, and was getting better.  Then I got strep throat 2 days later.  I was put on penicillin.  After 2 days on the penicillin, I was very sick. I was nauseous, tired, run down, and had upper abdomen pain.  The nausea was the worst.  I couldn't eat for weeks.  I lost lots of weight.  Panic attacks were occuring regularily.  My prayers increased tremendously.  I was scared and sick. After about a week, I went to the doctor again and they ran a blood tests to check for mulitiple different things.  Nothing.  Another week goes by and I still can't eat.  I'm too weak to go to work.  If I'm not sleeping, I'm panicking.  I go back to the doctor again and have more blood tests done.  Nothing.  Another week goes by and I finally decide to call and make an appointment with my regular doctor (I had just been going to walk-in).  He orders test, tells me to take Prilosec and orders an ultrasound.  I pass out when they take blood this time because I've become so weak.  The Prilosec really seemed to help for almost a week.  I was feeling positive that I was getting better.  Then my nausea and pain started again.  And along with that, the panic attacks.  I went to the ultrasound.  The results showed gall stones, and I was excited!  I got an appointment with a surgeon scheduled, but it was 2 weeks away.  In the mean time, panic attacks and extreme depression took over.  I was calling a crisis hotline daily.  I called to make an appointment with a councellor.  I couldn't get in for 2 months.  I told them I was desperate, so they got me in the next day.  The appointment with my surgeon came and when he came in he asked me a bunch of questions about my symptoms.  He then told me that he didn't think it was the gall stones as they were too small and everyone has them and they don't always cause problems.  He wanted me to do another scan to test my gall bladder for functionality.  I, of course, couldn't get in for that for a week.  When I finally came to do the scan, I had to ask my mom to be there with me.  I was terrified.  My panic mode was constant.  I'm not even sure how my body was able to stand up to the constant panic I was under.  My husband, the lovely man that he is, told me I was crazy.  I had my mom come because he didn't want to "baby" me.  I was sick and he didn't care.

So the day of the Hida Scan came and they pumped me with radiation and took pictures of my digestive tract.  The technician that was doing the scan, let me know that many people get the sharp stabbing pains that are typical of gall bladder attacks after injecting the fluid.  No stabbing pain for me.  After one hour, my gall bladder didn't show up.  The technician, who had been doing these scans for 15 years, had never had that happen before.  So, I got to walk around for an hour and then go back to finish the scan.  I had to wait a week for an appointment with the surgeon again and the results.

My appointment with the surgeon was frustrating.  He asked about my symptoms again.  He told me that the scan wasn't positively pointing to gall bladder.  It was functioning at 45% and the treshhold of "take it out now" is at 35%.  He wanted another test because he thought I actually had ulcers.  I left defeated, scared and I really began to feel crazy.  I contemplated checking myself into the psych ward.  I contemplated leaving my husband and children so I wouldn't burden them.  I didn't want my kids to see their mom "crack."  Luckily, the next test was scheduled for the next day--no more waiting!  I had to have an upper GI (camera down the throat!).  I was panicking the whole time before I went in.  I told the nurses I was terrified of the "conscious sedation." You mean I'll be awake?!?!  They assured me I could take my anxiety medicine, that I wouldn't feel anything and that I wouldn't remember the test either.  Well, at least they were right this time.  I was able to speak to the doctor right away after becoming more coherent.  He saw no ulcers.  I was back to square one.  My appointment with the surgeon again was in another week.

I would not make it to that appointment.  I was taken to emergency two days after my scan with extreme stomach pain.  I couldn't hardly breathe.  I've had 3 children, and child birth was NOTHING like this.  After getting some pain meds, a doctor came in to talk to me.  He asked me, "This may seem like a stupid question, but after looking at your chart...do you still have your gall bladder?"  I just started crying.  Maybe it was the morphine.  I couldn't help it.  I said, "yes."  He told me it needed to come out!  Two days after that I went in for surgery. It was now mid December--2 1/2 months after I first got sick.

My body healed quickly and I could go back to eating like normal right away, but my mental state took longer.  I haven't had a panic attack in months, and those that I've had are more like mini panic attacks.  If you've ever had a full blown panic attack before, you know what I mean.  They're more like the aftershock and not the actual earthquake.

Where I was going with this story is, through all this, I prayed constantly.  I rarely stopped talking to God in my head.  I've never been that close to him.  Eventhough I was scared of dying, I felt I was going to be safe.  That part, I continue to have.  I'm no longer afraid to die.  I now feel a much stronger bond with my Lord and Savior, and I'm extremely grateful for that.  That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.  And this was one of those times.

So, the twelfth step reminds me that I have had a "spiritual awakening."  I have not come to work all steps in my al-anon recovery, nor have I perfected the 12th, but I will continue to work and study them for serenity and healing.